Darkness

You guys wanted an update, so here it goes. I'm sad. And probably depressed again, though I can't find a reasonable excuse for why. I am still unemployed, despite the tries I consider to be effort. I feel friendless. And I know that's not true, but when I try to reach out, I'm either lightly batted away with "rain checks" or completely ignored. And some of it I deserve, for the wrongs I've committed and the things I've said. But I'm trying. All I can do is try. And yet, here I sit. Sad, and probably depressed again.

I have so many things to do and so many things I want. But no energy to do and no money to spend. I'm turning 21, but I'm still a child under my mom's roof.

I want to write. To figure out this dream I had some years ago, but I've lost the pages with the characters and they are slowly slipping back into the darkness of my mind. I want them to come to life. To live out what I've given them, and give them time and space to grow even further. But they are lost, and no other names suit them, yet I can't remember what they were. But my heart seizes up when I try to label them as something else, so I know it's not meant to be. They are who they are. But they are lost. And what if the story isn't any good? I would find pleasure in it, but what if I am likened to that Meyer girl? Not to my face, of course, but the insult would still be there. But it doesn't matter; they are lost.

This is pathetic. I'm sorry to even be posting any of this for it to see the light of day. These feelings should be bottled back up and tucked somewhere so they can't be seen until the next time it hurts so bad that I just wanna sleep and cry and sleep some more. Why have you asked this of me? You Anon. I know I don't have to reply and I could even fake something happy, but lying leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is what you wanted, Anon. I didn't want it, not really, yet here it is. I'm sorry. And I forgive you.

I need someone to talk to me, but I don't have anything to talk about. Does that even make sense? Probably not. Just sad, and probably depressed. Sorry, guys. Maybe I'll have something better next time.