Advancing

On tumblr, I follow quite a few BDSM blogs. And a handful in particular hold a significant amount if influence over my thoughts and feelings recently. One for sure is on my mind almost daily: DwP. The Dom that runs the blog hands out advice to any seeking it, and it is nearly always advice I agree with. While I have not asked him myself for his take on my situation, he has publicly answered others who had the same questions. Not to mention, his various articles on what to do in this similar situation, from both sides of the story.

Now, you might wonder what this predicament I keep alluding to is exactly. As I have stated before many times, I am a submissive and my boyfriend is my Dominant. Master and slave. While we hold these titles, the actions that go along with them hardly ever leave the bedroom. Which is fine for some couples, but it is not all that I want. And Alpha has occasionally told me that is not all that he wants either. But the bedroom is pretty much all we have. However, upon recent questioning, he has said that I'm a big girl and I should be able to take care of myself. This is true, but that's not what I want. Basically, I am a sub that wants more of an all-inclusive BDSM lifestyle, but talking with my Dom about it in the past has not elicited much in the way of change.

I want to be micromanaged. I want my clothes picked out down to the socks and undies. I want him to tell me when to eat and what to eat. I want him to control nigh everything that I live and breathe. While also taking into account my feelings on things. These ideas might sound contradictory to most, but it does work. For instance: when he is picking out my underwear for a day I have to work, it would be cruel to pick the tight thong when I have to stand and walk around, as opposed to picking the cute but also comfortable pair. Of course, if he decides to be cruel, I would either submit or appeal to his Domination and submissively suggest a different pair. Or, if he is controlling my meals, he wouldn't pick something I wouldn't eat on my own, and might even make me pick between two meals he offers to me. Dominating in this way is more like stern guidance. Something I desperately need. But all of this requires responsibility (one of DwP's favorite words to use) on both my part and his.

As of right now - who knows what this will end up as in the future - I want quite a few things. Prepare yourself for greedy/selfish subbie talk:

• I want a bed time with enforcement. If I don't go to bed, something I don't like will happen. Or something I like will be taken away.
• I want a chore list. Something reasonable for daily activities, but also helpful. I want to feel like a beneficial member of the household without feeling under-appreciated.
• I want frequent words of encouragement or reprimand. Just regular check-ins, so I know how he feels.
• Knowing how he feels and him knowing how I feel. About everything. I want more communication about feelings. Perhaps time to also gather the appropriate words (as opposed to "that's silly" to something that isn't silly). If verbal communication is difficult (it sometimes is for me because I swear the tears come of their own volition), then we can start the journal swapping again. I absolutely loved it because I got an insight into his mind and didn't feel stigmatized for my thoughts.
• Sex is great as it is. Though we both would like more, this part does not need rushing or much change. When you surprised me with the cuffs and my leash and collar, my heart was a flutter. You were taking charge in the way I think is best for you. Using me as you willed while also catering to my needs.
• I want safewords. I'm sure most, if not all, of you reading have gasped to know we don't have one. It wasn't necessary needed before. Only recently have we started to get more and more into pain. And the reason for me wanting one isn't because we've overstepped any boundaries. He doesn't push them enough. I want more pain, but he's always worried about harming me. (Hurting is different from harming. Hurting is good, harming is bad.) Which is sweet and very good for a Dom because it means he is aware of my feelings as a person. But I need more. I need harder bites and sharper spankings and even some paddle work. My hair needs to be pulled more. I need my boundaries pushed. So, with a safeword, I'm of the mindset that so long as I'm not saying it, it means go harder. Go more. Perhaps a handful of safewords would be ideal: for "keep that pressure", "ease up", "stop", etc. It will take some work for me to get used to them as well because I always feel weird saying the things in my head aloud (naughty talk, for one. I absolutely love it, but saying it makes my tongue feel thick and my eyes get hot from embarrassment). The words aren't some trivial thing to be tossed around. So trust needs to also be instilled, which actually leads me to the next one...
• I need more trust between us. You seem to trust me, so long as I get serious enough for you to realize I'm not joking. But putting my trust in him seems a bit difficult on some occasions. I don't want to have to get mad every time I want him to see I'm serious. I don't say "no, don't do that" as a joke. I know the force of will behind my words, but I don't think he does. Yes, we play around a lot and joke and all that. But I make sure to lighten my words with "just kidding" or some other obvious shift when I'm not being serious. I think this requires more talking. I just don't wanna have to do it when tempers have flared and it turns into a fight as opposed to a discussion.
• I want him to take control over my meals/food intake. When left to my own devices, I eat and eat and eat and eat. He doesn't care about my size, so that isn't the issue. It's money. Yes, we buy ramen, but I can eat five of them in a day if I so please. And he looks at me like "really, again?" But when I ask him if he has an issue with it, he just shrugs it off and tells me to do what I want. What I want is to make him happy, but the look he gives me when I'm eating yet again is not a happy one.
• I want to make him- you, sir - happy. I want him to tell me what makes him happy for me to do those things and then for him to enforce them. I need punishments and funishments and rewards. I need to know what's in that head of yours because here on the outside, I have no idea. I can't read minds.
• I want him to make me take care of myself. Tell me when it's time to shower and brush my teeth and do my medications. Micromanagement. Sounds tough and arduous, and for full blown 24/7, it is. But I want at least a small percent of what we could be.
• I don't want to Top from the bottom. I want all of this to just come naturally to us, but I know that doesn't exist outside of romance novels. We need to talk, but we don't talk.
• I want fair treatment. If something is my fault, make me take responsibility. Lead me to be a better person. But if it's your fault, don't blame it on me. That makes me not want to be under you because you can't take credit for your own work: good or bad. We both need responsibility.
• I need regular enforcement. I need to be reminded of my chores on occasion. But I also need him to let me know that he is still very aware that he is above me. I haven't forgotten that you're Master, but a little reminder that I am all yours makes for a very content Wolfie. Think of it as pack enforcement of positions. The lower wolves have not forgotten who is the leader, but to be put in their place again and again helps to keep the pack stable. I need that stability.

This is hard to get out because it feels so much like Topping from the bottom. Look at me, telling you what to do and what I want when I want it. This could be said with so much more grace, I'm sure. But that is something else I have to work on. I am willing to step back, but you have to be willing to step up and take the reigns. Otherwise, we are going nowhere. This is what I need in my life. I feel like I should apologize for it, but I can't. Just as he needs his video games and robotics in his life, this is what I need. Everyone has something vital in their lives. Something they can't live without. This is my something. And we don't have to start a whole new life tomorrow. We don't have to have this whole new life five years from now. It doesn't even have to be like it is in the books. But I need us to work towards this. (I won't apologize. I won't apologize. I won't apologize.) This is who I am.

None of this can be achieved with just him changing though. I also need to take charge of myself and make that step back. I need to allow him room to take the reigns. I can tell him he needs to be my Dom until I'm blue in the face, but if I never let him then it won't happen. So, aside from this short post, I plan on doing things differently.

• I will ask for things. "May I eat this now?" "Can you come pick out my outfit for today?" "When should I shower?" "What would you like for me to accomplish today?"
• Offering titles more freely. They are an important sign, but I have to let him know what he is to me. Sir, Alpha, Master, etc. Not only will this perhaps remind him of his position over me, but it also makes it easier to say for me. Less forced or contrived.
• Letting him fap. This has been very difficult for me and is very much Topping from the bottom. The hard part is understanding why he needs to fap when I am so eager here next to him. But, as he claims, it is faster and less tiring. Which is all logical. He needs a quick release and even our quickies are an hour long or more. Before - even now on occasion when I'm being bad - I would have him ask me to do it. But that's not a submissive's place. What I plan on doing now, is at least being alerted to when he's going to fap, so that I can be there next to him on his knees to clean him up. Rather than having a negative connotation to it, of feeling left out and neglected, I will make it fun for myself.
• Being open to more sex. With the new decline in my emotional health (depression rearing its hideously ugly head once again), I have been very quick to shoot down sexual advances. "I'm just not into it right now." "But I'm reading my book." "But I'm doing XY&Z." I never wanted to be this way. Before the depression hit, my sex drive was even higher than his. I never wanted to be the one to make excuses for not having sex. And now that I am, it's not fair to him to say no and then get mad when he faps. And don't think I'm pushing away my own feelings to sate his appetites. I do want the sex. I do need the sex. But as depression is apt to do, it makes what was once enjoyable less so and even seen as a hassle. Sex is always enjoyable, but the depression makes me not want to go through with it because it seems like such a chore. Which is not how my rational mind thinks of sex at all. So, will require being more lenient to him and perhaps some more therapy on my part.
• Communicating more. I'm quick to brush off thoughts and feelings that come up inside me. I feel bad, "so get over it". This isn't nice, "too bad and deal". And on occasion, these rebuffs make their way into verbalizations against myself to others. What's wrong, "nothing, just drop it". It may take me a while to find my thoughts, but I'm working on expressing myself in less curt ways. Explaining fully why I feel a certain way as opposed to blowing it off and seeming bratty. I don't wanna be a brat (there's nothing wrong with brats, I just don't wanna be one).
• Being thankful. I was alerted to DomDrop with a Anon question answered by DwP. Dom's will sometimes feel like "what's the point" of dominating when they are fought most of the way. I'm working on showing Alpha that I appreciate the Dom things he does for me, even in the small things. I thank him for telling me to do the dishes or the laundry. For telling me to clean up the mess the dog's made. I'm fairly certain he's confused by it, but I will occasionally explain that I like when he tells me to get things done because it's a way I can please him. I want him to continue being my Dom. So, I need to thank him for the Dom things he does.
• Being his submissive. I've said before I'm a switch, and he read that. He tried to be a switch with me, but it doesn't suit him. He is not submissive, though he tries for me. It's sweet, but I can see how it doesn't work. How it rubs his fur the wrong way. At first, I thought it would help my Domme tendencies, but it honestly just confuses my subbie side. He is supposed to be my Alpha. Master. Top. Sir. He is supposed to be above me. And when he tries (unsuccessfully) to be below me, I don't know what to do with that. I know how to be a Domme, but I don't want to be his Domme. Just as he can't be a sub. I can't be his Domme. That isn't the dynamic between us. I even wonder if perhaps the switch only comes from not knowing where we naturally stand, and if my submission was dealt with better the switch will go away completely. But that will be a different post, when I figure it out.

I know he reads my blogs, just not the frequency at which he does so. When you do read this, I hope you don't see this as some reprimand or ultimatum. I am fine with how we are living now. I am fine with our current dynamic as it is. But I want to work to something better. The better things I have listed. If you have a different idea from what I've stated for our future, please do not hesitate to talk with me about it. As I said above, I want to know what's in your head. In more relatable terms, I am fine with eating the ramen noodles we have been eating all this time. I can eat more ramen noodles, if necessary. But what I really crave is sushi and lobster and filet mignon. Wouldn't it be good to work up to the sushi and lobster and tender, rare steak? Doesn't have to be tomorrow. Don't break yourself trying to get those foods for me. But we can take it slow together, explore other food options, and be happy with the improvements. In this anaology, ramen = current lifestyle. It's fine to live on and I'm not complaining about it. But if we have the option of having the better food = nearly 24/7 lifestyle, why settle when what is really wanted is achievable?

I want to know what you want. Does any of this sound good to you? Are you skittish from some things mentioned? How do you feel about any or all of this? Is it scary? Is it nice? Is it ridiculous? Can you see yourself doing any of this? I want to know your feelings because I've laid mine bare.

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DwP has linked to this BDSM checklist before, and I have printed out two copies for Alpha and myself. We're halfway through and already it is quite eye-opening. I think all of you should print it out or find some other way of answering it. For yourself and your current/future partners. It is a very nice and clean way to start conversation flowing or getting to know that special someone.

Also, I plan to grab a few books to further my search for self-improvement and perhaps have some support for our lifestyle readily available to a questioning Dom. I have heard many suggest the book "The Loving Dominant". And a website for some other materials is here.

When I/we reach a memorable part in this adventure, should we start it soon, I will update you guys again. I don't know if it will be a week or a month or a year or ten years from now.