Disgusting

 The way some people treat others disgusts me. Underhanded passive aggression and blatant disregard for an individual's well-being. An exciting outing of fun an adventure turned into some macabre soap opera about defending one's right to exist as they want. Really, human race? This is what we've come down to? The color of a person's skin is no longer an appropriate slander topic, now it's gender, appearance, fucking hair, and their own choice of people to associate themselves with. I would maybe understand if harm came to a person because of the company they kept or the choices they made, but the only harm comes from the offense the close-minded people cause. Emotional, mental, and collateral physical harm. Why? If you care for the person, why do such a thing? Even if you are a stranger, who are you to say who or what a person is? You know nothing. You respect nothing. How are you to gain respect if you give none?



How could someone go from being a friend to some horrendously atrociously insincere enemy? Over something as simple as dissociation from drama? They remove themselves from you because they are being the bigger person, and you are perpetuating how bad you've become by throwing your jaws around their throat while cooing sweet nothings. Why be a hypocrite? What drove you to such lengths? Why succumb to that when you were the one to start it in the first place? You are scolding them for reacting appropriately to the reactors you set up. Like screaming at a dog when it flinched because you beat it. Cruelty. That's what you have become, you are cruel. And you sit atop your throne with your peons and piss on the people who see the truth and say no.



Today was supposed to be a fun day, and for the most part it was. But humanity has fallen far. Kindness is no longer found in the hearts of men and women and those in between. Common courtesy is a rare gem that must be unearthed in order to shine in the sun; even then, it is thrown around and scratched and damaged beyond all recognition.


I love the people I allow into my life, that is why you are there. I'm sorry for the horrible things that happen to you. I apologize for all of the monstrosities that befall your person. You are with me for a reason, I keep you around for a good cause. There are those I use, but I do not keep them close to the heart. I refuse to allow them close because that is not where they belong; I will not be deceitful. I will not pull someone close, whisper niceties in their ears, and then refuse them the friendship they deserve. If you think you are being used, do not hesitate to ask me. I will answer. If you are friend, believe it. If you are a tool in my life, believe it. Do what you wish with the answer. I refuse to fake it to make you feel better. This is my life. You have your life. Everyone is entitled to be who and what they want. Consequences will find you if you intend harm. Be reasonable, people. Fuckin' a.







Goodness: Everyone was adorable today. People I wasn't even expecting to look good or for me to feel good about looked fantastic. There was generosity abound within our small circle. Fun to be had and joy to be shared. Some of us ice skated, we all talked, and plenty of pictures were taken (I'll add some in a few days). Early morning on a few hours of sleep, and I'm currently pushing my insomnia to its limit, but I don't want the day to end. I want to relish in this good company and shoo the bad things away. But the nastiness has infected our group. Folks are exhausted, physically and emotionally. Important ties have been severed, possibly permanently, and lives are changing. Why do the winds of change have to hurt so much?




I'm Little Red Riding Wolf. Because why the fuck not. Pictures can be viewed here.

Judgement

How do you know who or what you are as a person? Do you allow yourself to stake final claim over your own labels? Or do you seek insight from others? Or are you like me where it varies based on the moment? How do you know if you are good or bad or just regular?

And before you go exclaiming exaggerations, let me first give you some things to think on. A man is religious and wants to purify the people around him. S he sets forth on this faithful mission to help cleanse his loved ones. The gods speak to and through him to help people see the light of goodness. A week later, the same man is in the papers for slaughtering his wife, and three daughters. He's committed to an insane asylum where he speaks to god through padded walls. In his mind, he is good. In ours minds, he is bad. How does one know the difference? A bit dramatic, sure, but you get my point?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, someone who appears inherently good can think themselves to be the ultimate evil. So how do you know? How can one find balance while remaining themselves? I think the balance comes from all points - both outside and inside - but most of all from within the self. One must remind honest while positive with the self. Positive in that you aren't constantly battering yourself with negative emotions and words. Yet honest enough to where if there is something negative, you work towards improving it.

Where did this come from? From internal conflicts and from external words. Close friends in my life tell me it is difficult to see me as a sub. I asked why, and some replied, but others did not. So, I set myself to thinking about what makes a person a sub and did I qualify. But that's where the negativity started, by thinking there is some qualification to be something. I am a self-proclaimed switch, yet in my daily life, I act as a slave to my Master and a dominant advisor to friends. I like to see myself as more submissive, but others find that I am more dominant. Excluding the switch label, where does that put me? Where did I think it put me? I thought it put me outside this barrier I set for myself and others. I thought I was some strange outlier, where no one could figure out what I was and that left me floating in this lake of confusion, where everyone was on land having their own little private get togethers and I was unable to come ashore because I didn't fit in. Even then, I knew of course about switches, but I didn't consider myself one. I just thought I was a sub who topped from the bottom, and that is generally seen as a bad thing. So was I bad? Different doesn't always mean bad, but I felt like I was bad. I could have stuck to my guns and insisted I was a sub, but when enough people say otherwise or question that insistence, what was I supposed to do? Believe blindly that they were wrong and I was good, like the religious man's example? Or did I set my own thoughts aside and grab hold of everyone else's statements and beliefs? I did neither and both of them, I called myself a switch.

This was an easier solution, but similar things are hardly ever easy. How do you stay yourself while listening to everyone else? Or do you ignore others and go about your business? How do you remain good while staying individual? How do you stay true to yourself while staying within the boundaries of moral wellness? Is that possible? How do you all do it? Fer srs, answer me.

PS: Please don't start in on how each society is different with its constraints and moral code, I'm aware of that more than you might think I am. I merely want to know how you maintain yourself and your personal image, not about how our society is corrupt or wrong and everyone else is fabulous; because while the former might be true, the latter certainly isn't.

BDSM Beginning

So, this one will be about how I came into BDSM, upon the request of an Anonymous comment. My introduction to BDSM and how I live it now.

It's tough to pinpoint the exact time at which I got kinky. I was young, for sure. Preteens, at best. It may have been when I found and hoarded my mom's Gorean novel collection. Or when I discovered the glory that is Laurell K. Hamilton. Or maybe I found a kinky magazine in the giant chest my stripper father has full of porn in picture and literary form. Whatever the jumpstart, I started young. Younger than I should have, probably. Younger than I've heard of others, definitely not. Either way, when I got internet, it exploded into even more. At first, it was just an idea, but then I had images and fantasies to go with the idea. However, it wasn't until in the last couple years that I actually came to understand BDSM. I knew of the punishments and rough sex and awesome outfits, sure. But the dynamic, the mental aspect  that comes with it came much, much later. I didn't understand that there was so much in the darkness of kink. I thought it was just all general stuff. Needless to say, my eyes were opened to all the possibilities and differences that were there to fear and/or appreciate.

Alpha and I met online. Through a mutual friend on GaiaOnline to be more precise. In a rant thread. I was fourteen and complaining of familial issues. He was nineteen (two months from twenty) and he had a HUGE collection of paragraphs. For some reason, the things he said there just attracted me to him. We continued conversations into private message and instant-messaging. We talked for about six months or so. He lived in Alaska at the time, was bald, and was chasing after some girl who didn't even love him back. I was approached by someone else online and was thrown into a whirlwind of a relationship - not in the good way. Two years later, my relationship was on the rocks - for the nth time - and I'd had enough. I remembered this guy I met on Gaia who was always so nice to me. And I decided to recontact him, hoping to have someone be nice to me again. Thankfully, he responded and helped me officially break up with the two-year mistake I made. (Mistake isn't fair, but it's true. However, it is not something I regret, as now I know what to avoid.) It was around Christmas time, and my best friend was over. She, combined with Alpha's efforts, helped me to not turn back around and enter back into the on-again-off-again vicious cycle. A few days later and I confessed to Alpha that I liked him, but he said that it might not work. I went to bed devastated while my friend talked to him. The next morning, she tells me he only hesitated because of the age difference; I was sixteen and he was nearing twenty-two. I talked to him online again that day and we agreed to meet and try things out. If it went the way of a relationship, fan-fucking-tastic. If not, I'd have to settle for a friendship. Two months later, for Valentine's Day, he comes down from his hometown of Chicago to Georgia to meet me. (If you're wondering where my mom is in this scenario, she wasn't okay with it at first, but later agreed. She's cool like that.) He stayed for a week and we went on a few dates, and hung out tons. Two days before he had to fly back home, he asked me to go steady. It was the first night he'd stayed over - the weekend. We'd rationalized it to be too late for him to go home, even though his hotel was within walking distance. We were sleeping on the couch together while the tv ran in the background. It was 2 am on the seventeenth of February and he asked me to be his. I was half asleep, but I said yes with my heart in my throat beating a million miles a second. We cuddled back down and fell asleep. On the nineteenth, he left, but not before promising to move closer as soon as possible. In May of that year, he had moved down and was living with his aunt about an hour and a half away.

How did he become my Master through all of that? With the marvels of instant-messaging, of course. We talked as much as we could online and on the phone, as limited as we were by long-distance minutes on the latter. He thought I was innocent, which I had a good long giggle at. I discovered that he and I clicked in so many kinky ways. It wasn't just that that convinced me we were perfect for each other, but it was certainly a big tipper.

Our kink at first just consisted of a bit of roleplaying online and me calling him Master. Once we lived closer, it fell to bedroom activities. Now it contains more disciplinary and domestic aspects. Not quite 24/7, but as close as we can get while living beneath my mother. Some of my favorite things we do is a kind of petplay, or feralplay. When we growl at each other and do other feral things. It makes me feel all wild and animalistic. Chases away any inhibitions I may have and allows me to enjoy myself. I also like petplay, but I find it to be a softer form. There's of course the Master and slave part. We have yet to do any psuedorape scenes, but we both have a passion for it. The only thing we lack for psuedorape are the props. The few toys we do have serve us well enough. But I'm greedy, and always want more to play with. I am collared, even with a matching leash. I have one set of leather cuffs, but no proper restraint system. A few gels, lubes, and sprays. Some outfits. A new vibrator and vibrating butt plug. A very pretty paddle~! And a few other things. Some toys I'd like are floggers, vampire gloves (google it), a ballgag, more outfits, a cage, and a few more things for training (butt plugs of various sizes, etc.). I've gathered quite a few websites that contain all of these and more. At the end I am willing to share~

The types of music that turns me on varies greatly. Some days its sexy pop songs, to vulgar rap songs, to sultry alternative songs, to passionate R&B, to reggaeton that moves my body, to bassy dubstep. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly what gets me going, but when it happens, there's very little that can help me turn back - like I'd want to at that point. Some songs specifically are:

• Skin - Rihanna
• Suck my Cockiness - Rihanna
• Hurricane - Thirty Seconds to Mars
• Gimme More - Britney Spears
• Slow Wind - R. Kelly
• Sex in the Kitchen - R. Kelly
• La Tortura - Shakira
• Tempted 2 Touch - Rupee
• Turn Me On - Kevin Lyttle
• We Be Burning - Sean Paul
• Baby Boy - Beyonce
• Slow Jamz - Twista
• Storm - Jamie Foxx
• Bed - J Holiday
• Suffocate - J Holiday
• Ride - Ciara
• Flesh - Simon Curtis
• And many, many more...

My kinks range from soft bondage to heavier bloodplay. I've always had a morbid obsession with scars and flesh wounds, but only recently have they become sexualized. I can't think of things that I didn't like before and now relish. I guess one thing would be pee. I don't have an uber fetish for it, like some people I know, but I don't mind the thought of being degraded in such a way. Poop, vomit, gaping, are absolute no-nos. Another one I've learned to come to terms with are multiple partners: threesomes, polygamy, etc. In my heart, I still feel monogamous, but more in the way that I can't do casual sex. It doesn't have to be only two people to a relationship, just staying true to those I love.



This is where I'd post the links I promised above, however my laptop is on the fritz, so my bookmarks are unavailable to me for the moment. However, if you feel like sharing some websites you know, please post them below, and I can add them here, until I have access to my sweet lappy again.