Shit's Gettin' Heavy

Alright, so as you know, I've been depressed. Clinically diagnosed with severe depression. Tried out meds. Tried out therapies. Tried some self-motivation shit. And you know what? I still feel fucked up. I find that no matter what I try to fix myself with, something else comes up. I feel useless, so I get rats (which I've wanted for a long time, but I did something about it to help myself). Now, I feel like people are ignoring me. Or they don't like me. Or some other whiny baby bullshit.

I frequent Gaia Online; I've got lots of online friends and RL friends. And they talk to me, sometimes. But lately? I feel rather butthurt. I spark up a conversation, and either it never picks up or fizzles out after two words. I don't think my bad mood is oozing out. I mean, how can you even tell past "hi, how is everyone" that I'm mopey? It's online. There's no body language. There's no shifty eye shit or scuffling of feet. Granted, if it were real life, that would all be present. But that's why I'm confining myself to online. And yeah, I probably do need to get out and be with real folks. But tell me, how do I do that? No car. No money for the bus. Introverted (socializing IRL takes a lot outta me). And folks have lives now. I could do sleep overs (sexy pillow fights possibly included), but everyone's got shit to do. I'm the only one dragging my feet and crying about it.

I've looked for a job. I've tried video games. I've tried movies and television series. I've tried reading books. I've tried it all. Jobs never call back. I've beaten all my video games (or the MC server isn't up). I've watched all the movies and series I like. I've read all my books. So, what now? Do I suck it up and deal? Tough titty to Wolf? Probably. But that's what this blog thingie here is for. For me to complain and you guys to read.

On the bright side, boyfriend and I (he'll be referred to as Kitty, Master, or Alpha) went to Starship. It's an adult store. Got some goodies~ That made me a happy woofie.