Fuck You

Brain, can I just start out by saying I hate you? I hate what you make me think and what you make me feel. It's all lies, I know it is. With your new friend depression, you whisper evil into my head and heart and make me ruin everything good going on in my life. There, that felt good.

As some friends may know, I've been having emotional troubles lately. My depression has come back and it's hitting hard. Not to mention, almost everyone here in this house seems to be against me: namely my mother. I know Master isn't against me; at least the logical part of my brain tells me this. But with all the latest stresses putting my ugly thoughts on hyperdrive, even the smallest things that I don't like blow up into a huge two-day grudge. And he doesn't deserve that, so why does he deal with me still?

Let me explain a bit more. We've moved. Master moved in with me into the finished basement of the house my mother owns. We all call it an "apartment" because it has it's own private kitchen, bathroom, laundry section, and driveway. But it's still attached to the house. The day Master moved in, it rained. And the day after he moved in, it rained. And the bathroom flooded. There's a leak in the foundation from outside to inside and water can seep in, fairly easily. But we wiped it up with towels, told my mom, and went to Walmart. When we come back, THE WHOLE DOWNSTAIRS IS SOAKING WET. The bathroom overflooded and got into the carpets and soaked everything down the hall, and into the kitchen. The vinyl flooring was fucking floating there was so much water. In our bedroom, there was water somehow; it's not close to the bathroom and the outside of the wall is feet upon feet of dirt. So how the fuck did it leak!? Doesn't matter how, only matters that it did. So now, our electronics are at risk, we have to move all of our things and boxes into the drier part of the living room. The water moved four fucking rooms down. Thankfully, before going to Walmart, my mom told us to get a shop vacuum and a dehumidifier. However, none of these things could match the power of fucking mother nature. AND IT STILL RAINED. The next day, no more rain, but everything is soaking. My mom has a carpet cleaner come, he pulls up all the carpet and dries it. The bathroom vinyl is still not put back down, a week and a half later. We just don't have enough money to fix things properly, and the assholes whose job it was to fix this place didn't.

Then, the toilet and tub decided water going down was too good for them and they started overflowing. Turns out the septic tank's pipes are fucked up. So, more water and leaking and stress.

This house still needs so much work, but there's nothing we can do. The contractor will just ask for more money to do things we asked him to do in the first place, and we have no more funds for that. So, we have to live here. We have no other options.

So all this stress leads up to me feeling like shit. I've been sleeping like 20 hours a day. Master wants to fix up the house himself and he needs my help, but I just don't have the mental or physical capabilities to keep up with him day in and day out. And then he wants to spend so much time with me. Which is something that would fill my dreams before, but I never realized how different things would be living with someone else. Yes, I want micromanagement for my life, but he doesn't do that. He asks me to do things and then gets upset when I tell him no because I wanna do my own thing. I let him do his own thing, have all the private time he wants/needs; why am I not entitled to the same luxuries? It's tough, learning to live with another person. And with the constant badgering of this decrepit house, it's starting to wear on my nerves in a very bad, explode-y sort of way.

My mother wants us to be perfect little children while also maintaining the independent adult look. How the fuck are we supposed to balance that?? How are we supposed to bow to her every whim while also doing our own thing and not living beneath her, tripping her up at every step? What the fuck does she want from us? From me? And of course, Alpha doesn't notice. He says she's being very cordial and nice. But he doesn't see her burst from her composure because he's too busy sleeping. And god forbid, I wake him up. But waking me up is fine. I just don't know what to do. There's so much... Unfairness going on, but I feel bad for bringing it up because I'm sure I'm hard to live with. I'm messy, expensive, smelly, and misbehaved. Why can't I be the perfect little roommate maid that he wants? I should just cook dinner, suck his dick, and scrub the tub naked for his pleasure, right? Right??

So I've been talking with friends. But I'm trying to stay neutral about it, which is difficult. I don't hate him, of course not. But my patience is wearing thin. I just want to live how I want. But that's impossible with another person in the house, right? Compromise, right? So then what do I have to do? What can I do to make everyone happy, my own happiness be damned? I'm just tired of being yelled at and scolded for things I didn't even know were bad. And please, don't suggest a contract. He's already expressed his disdain for such things. "We don't have to write it all down, we have a verbal contract. You just listen and follow like a good slavie." Which would be fine, but how am I supposed to know what not to do so that I don't get in trouble or upset him? How am I supposed to know anything until he gets mad and I'm graced with an explanation of what I did wrong?

Goddammit, this whole thing is a disgusting hodgepodge of pity, self-hatred, sadness, and exhaustion.