Advancing

On tumblr, I follow quite a few BDSM blogs. And a handful in particular hold a significant amount if influence over my thoughts and feelings recently. One for sure is on my mind almost daily: DwP. The Dom that runs the blog hands out advice to any seeking it, and it is nearly always advice I agree with. While I have not asked him myself for his take on my situation, he has publicly answered others who had the same questions. Not to mention, his various articles on what to do in this similar situation, from both sides of the story.

Now, you might wonder what this predicament I keep alluding to is exactly. As I have stated before many times, I am a submissive and my boyfriend is my Dominant. Master and slave. While we hold these titles, the actions that go along with them hardly ever leave the bedroom. Which is fine for some couples, but it is not all that I want. And Alpha has occasionally told me that is not all that he wants either. But the bedroom is pretty much all we have. However, upon recent questioning, he has said that I'm a big girl and I should be able to take care of myself. This is true, but that's not what I want. Basically, I am a sub that wants more of an all-inclusive BDSM lifestyle, but talking with my Dom about it in the past has not elicited much in the way of change.

I want to be micromanaged. I want my clothes picked out down to the socks and undies. I want him to tell me when to eat and what to eat. I want him to control nigh everything that I live and breathe. While also taking into account my feelings on things. These ideas might sound contradictory to most, but it does work. For instance: when he is picking out my underwear for a day I have to work, it would be cruel to pick the tight thong when I have to stand and walk around, as opposed to picking the cute but also comfortable pair. Of course, if he decides to be cruel, I would either submit or appeal to his Domination and submissively suggest a different pair. Or, if he is controlling my meals, he wouldn't pick something I wouldn't eat on my own, and might even make me pick between two meals he offers to me. Dominating in this way is more like stern guidance. Something I desperately need. But all of this requires responsibility (one of DwP's favorite words to use) on both my part and his.

As of right now - who knows what this will end up as in the future - I want quite a few things. Prepare yourself for greedy/selfish subbie talk:

• I want a bed time with enforcement. If I don't go to bed, something I don't like will happen. Or something I like will be taken away.
• I want a chore list. Something reasonable for daily activities, but also helpful. I want to feel like a beneficial member of the household without feeling under-appreciated.
• I want frequent words of encouragement or reprimand. Just regular check-ins, so I know how he feels.
• Knowing how he feels and him knowing how I feel. About everything. I want more communication about feelings. Perhaps time to also gather the appropriate words (as opposed to "that's silly" to something that isn't silly). If verbal communication is difficult (it sometimes is for me because I swear the tears come of their own volition), then we can start the journal swapping again. I absolutely loved it because I got an insight into his mind and didn't feel stigmatized for my thoughts.
• Sex is great as it is. Though we both would like more, this part does not need rushing or much change. When you surprised me with the cuffs and my leash and collar, my heart was a flutter. You were taking charge in the way I think is best for you. Using me as you willed while also catering to my needs.
• I want safewords. I'm sure most, if not all, of you reading have gasped to know we don't have one. It wasn't necessary needed before. Only recently have we started to get more and more into pain. And the reason for me wanting one isn't because we've overstepped any boundaries. He doesn't push them enough. I want more pain, but he's always worried about harming me. (Hurting is different from harming. Hurting is good, harming is bad.) Which is sweet and very good for a Dom because it means he is aware of my feelings as a person. But I need more. I need harder bites and sharper spankings and even some paddle work. My hair needs to be pulled more. I need my boundaries pushed. So, with a safeword, I'm of the mindset that so long as I'm not saying it, it means go harder. Go more. Perhaps a handful of safewords would be ideal: for "keep that pressure", "ease up", "stop", etc. It will take some work for me to get used to them as well because I always feel weird saying the things in my head aloud (naughty talk, for one. I absolutely love it, but saying it makes my tongue feel thick and my eyes get hot from embarrassment). The words aren't some trivial thing to be tossed around. So trust needs to also be instilled, which actually leads me to the next one...
• I need more trust between us. You seem to trust me, so long as I get serious enough for you to realize I'm not joking. But putting my trust in him seems a bit difficult on some occasions. I don't want to have to get mad every time I want him to see I'm serious. I don't say "no, don't do that" as a joke. I know the force of will behind my words, but I don't think he does. Yes, we play around a lot and joke and all that. But I make sure to lighten my words with "just kidding" or some other obvious shift when I'm not being serious. I think this requires more talking. I just don't wanna have to do it when tempers have flared and it turns into a fight as opposed to a discussion.
• I want him to take control over my meals/food intake. When left to my own devices, I eat and eat and eat and eat. He doesn't care about my size, so that isn't the issue. It's money. Yes, we buy ramen, but I can eat five of them in a day if I so please. And he looks at me like "really, again?" But when I ask him if he has an issue with it, he just shrugs it off and tells me to do what I want. What I want is to make him happy, but the look he gives me when I'm eating yet again is not a happy one.
• I want to make him- you, sir - happy. I want him to tell me what makes him happy for me to do those things and then for him to enforce them. I need punishments and funishments and rewards. I need to know what's in that head of yours because here on the outside, I have no idea. I can't read minds.
• I want him to make me take care of myself. Tell me when it's time to shower and brush my teeth and do my medications. Micromanagement. Sounds tough and arduous, and for full blown 24/7, it is. But I want at least a small percent of what we could be.
• I don't want to Top from the bottom. I want all of this to just come naturally to us, but I know that doesn't exist outside of romance novels. We need to talk, but we don't talk.
• I want fair treatment. If something is my fault, make me take responsibility. Lead me to be a better person. But if it's your fault, don't blame it on me. That makes me not want to be under you because you can't take credit for your own work: good or bad. We both need responsibility.
• I need regular enforcement. I need to be reminded of my chores on occasion. But I also need him to let me know that he is still very aware that he is above me. I haven't forgotten that you're Master, but a little reminder that I am all yours makes for a very content Wolfie. Think of it as pack enforcement of positions. The lower wolves have not forgotten who is the leader, but to be put in their place again and again helps to keep the pack stable. I need that stability.

This is hard to get out because it feels so much like Topping from the bottom. Look at me, telling you what to do and what I want when I want it. This could be said with so much more grace, I'm sure. But that is something else I have to work on. I am willing to step back, but you have to be willing to step up and take the reigns. Otherwise, we are going nowhere. This is what I need in my life. I feel like I should apologize for it, but I can't. Just as he needs his video games and robotics in his life, this is what I need. Everyone has something vital in their lives. Something they can't live without. This is my something. And we don't have to start a whole new life tomorrow. We don't have to have this whole new life five years from now. It doesn't even have to be like it is in the books. But I need us to work towards this. (I won't apologize. I won't apologize. I won't apologize.) This is who I am.

None of this can be achieved with just him changing though. I also need to take charge of myself and make that step back. I need to allow him room to take the reigns. I can tell him he needs to be my Dom until I'm blue in the face, but if I never let him then it won't happen. So, aside from this short post, I plan on doing things differently.

• I will ask for things. "May I eat this now?" "Can you come pick out my outfit for today?" "When should I shower?" "What would you like for me to accomplish today?"
• Offering titles more freely. They are an important sign, but I have to let him know what he is to me. Sir, Alpha, Master, etc. Not only will this perhaps remind him of his position over me, but it also makes it easier to say for me. Less forced or contrived.
• Letting him fap. This has been very difficult for me and is very much Topping from the bottom. The hard part is understanding why he needs to fap when I am so eager here next to him. But, as he claims, it is faster and less tiring. Which is all logical. He needs a quick release and even our quickies are an hour long or more. Before - even now on occasion when I'm being bad - I would have him ask me to do it. But that's not a submissive's place. What I plan on doing now, is at least being alerted to when he's going to fap, so that I can be there next to him on his knees to clean him up. Rather than having a negative connotation to it, of feeling left out and neglected, I will make it fun for myself.
• Being open to more sex. With the new decline in my emotional health (depression rearing its hideously ugly head once again), I have been very quick to shoot down sexual advances. "I'm just not into it right now." "But I'm reading my book." "But I'm doing XY&Z." I never wanted to be this way. Before the depression hit, my sex drive was even higher than his. I never wanted to be the one to make excuses for not having sex. And now that I am, it's not fair to him to say no and then get mad when he faps. And don't think I'm pushing away my own feelings to sate his appetites. I do want the sex. I do need the sex. But as depression is apt to do, it makes what was once enjoyable less so and even seen as a hassle. Sex is always enjoyable, but the depression makes me not want to go through with it because it seems like such a chore. Which is not how my rational mind thinks of sex at all. So, will require being more lenient to him and perhaps some more therapy on my part.
• Communicating more. I'm quick to brush off thoughts and feelings that come up inside me. I feel bad, "so get over it". This isn't nice, "too bad and deal". And on occasion, these rebuffs make their way into verbalizations against myself to others. What's wrong, "nothing, just drop it". It may take me a while to find my thoughts, but I'm working on expressing myself in less curt ways. Explaining fully why I feel a certain way as opposed to blowing it off and seeming bratty. I don't wanna be a brat (there's nothing wrong with brats, I just don't wanna be one).
• Being thankful. I was alerted to DomDrop with a Anon question answered by DwP. Dom's will sometimes feel like "what's the point" of dominating when they are fought most of the way. I'm working on showing Alpha that I appreciate the Dom things he does for me, even in the small things. I thank him for telling me to do the dishes or the laundry. For telling me to clean up the mess the dog's made. I'm fairly certain he's confused by it, but I will occasionally explain that I like when he tells me to get things done because it's a way I can please him. I want him to continue being my Dom. So, I need to thank him for the Dom things he does.
• Being his submissive. I've said before I'm a switch, and he read that. He tried to be a switch with me, but it doesn't suit him. He is not submissive, though he tries for me. It's sweet, but I can see how it doesn't work. How it rubs his fur the wrong way. At first, I thought it would help my Domme tendencies, but it honestly just confuses my subbie side. He is supposed to be my Alpha. Master. Top. Sir. He is supposed to be above me. And when he tries (unsuccessfully) to be below me, I don't know what to do with that. I know how to be a Domme, but I don't want to be his Domme. Just as he can't be a sub. I can't be his Domme. That isn't the dynamic between us. I even wonder if perhaps the switch only comes from not knowing where we naturally stand, and if my submission was dealt with better the switch will go away completely. But that will be a different post, when I figure it out.

I know he reads my blogs, just not the frequency at which he does so. When you do read this, I hope you don't see this as some reprimand or ultimatum. I am fine with how we are living now. I am fine with our current dynamic as it is. But I want to work to something better. The better things I have listed. If you have a different idea from what I've stated for our future, please do not hesitate to talk with me about it. As I said above, I want to know what's in your head. In more relatable terms, I am fine with eating the ramen noodles we have been eating all this time. I can eat more ramen noodles, if necessary. But what I really crave is sushi and lobster and filet mignon. Wouldn't it be good to work up to the sushi and lobster and tender, rare steak? Doesn't have to be tomorrow. Don't break yourself trying to get those foods for me. But we can take it slow together, explore other food options, and be happy with the improvements. In this anaology, ramen = current lifestyle. It's fine to live on and I'm not complaining about it. But if we have the option of having the better food = nearly 24/7 lifestyle, why settle when what is really wanted is achievable?

I want to know what you want. Does any of this sound good to you? Are you skittish from some things mentioned? How do you feel about any or all of this? Is it scary? Is it nice? Is it ridiculous? Can you see yourself doing any of this? I want to know your feelings because I've laid mine bare.

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DwP has linked to this BDSM checklist before, and I have printed out two copies for Alpha and myself. We're halfway through and already it is quite eye-opening. I think all of you should print it out or find some other way of answering it. For yourself and your current/future partners. It is a very nice and clean way to start conversation flowing or getting to know that special someone.

Also, I plan to grab a few books to further my search for self-improvement and perhaps have some support for our lifestyle readily available to a questioning Dom. I have heard many suggest the book "The Loving Dominant". And a website for some other materials is here.

When I/we reach a memorable part in this adventure, should we start it soon, I will update you guys again. I don't know if it will be a week or a month or a year or ten years from now.

Nothing

As I walked through the mall of a rich and affluent part of town, I feel out of place. I lived in this city for seven years of my teenage life, and I realize I never belonged. I used to fit in. My mother helped with that with her own vast income. But underneath that, I'm nothing. Without her, I'm nothing. Without friends, I'm nothing. Without Master, I am nothing. I will never achieve what I want to. Because I will never be important. I will never be successful. I will never be well-off. I will only ever consist of what others give me, and that has no longer been forthcoming.

I do not want to beg. I do not want to wait for the gifts and blessings of others. I want to stand on my own two feet with things I have given myself. But I can't. And I probably never will. I will forever thank and apologize to those around me. I am submissive, but I do not want to be a slave in this way. A pet to leftovers and courtesy. I want to make my own way in this world.

But I am nothing, and so I cannot. All that I am unto myself is a pair of diseased lungs, an insatiable appetite, a most likely dysfunctional womb, and a bad attitude. I have nothing of worth for myself. I have nothing to offer for others. And friends might reply, "you have many things to offer. You are a good friend and give advice." All I offer is words. I cannot even give actions. What good are words in a world of doing? I am nothing of value. And this is all I can ever be.

I have tried. I have played into society's game of job finding. I have played the fool for interviews. I have tried my hand at self-employment. I have tried to be a caretaker. I have tried all of these and more. But nothing sticks. Nothing works. Nothing fits. I am just a lump on this little rock with nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Nothing of value. Until the day I cease to be even that.

Birthday

So, my 21st birthday was some weeks ago, and lots of great things have been happening because of it. Here's the run down of the shenanigans:

The day before my birthday was harsh as hell. Master was having me clean when all I wanted to do was take a nap; I was exhausted and frustrated. I was yelling at him constantly to cut me some slack, but he just kept saying I'd thank him later. I didn't quite understand why, but either way he was getting on my very last nerves. Night rolls around and I take a shower; one, because I needed to, and two because I just wanted some quiet time away from the constant barrage of chores I needed to do. I get out, and I barely get my PJs on before my mom calls me upstairs. Great, something else I have to do that I don't want to. She says my birthday presents had arrived early. Hurrah. /feign excitement. They're very large furniture boxes, and I move to open them. Next thing I know, they are being thrown off and I'm screaming for my life. Turns out? SHE FLEW DOWN MY FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE!!! HOLY FUCK BALLS, I hadn't seen them in months since I withdrew due to depression! I was on the verge of tears from seeing them; I was so fucking happy. It was quite a feat to bring them all the way down here because K is from Oregon, and N is from New Hampshire. So, here they are, in my house, all thanks to my fantastic woman of a mother! I later find out they will be staying with us for about a week. I had no idea and everyone was in on it: Alpha, my brother, my mom, and even my friends' parents. I don't think I could have thought of a better gift than that.

So, we make the plan to have the Atlanta tourist experience: the Aquarium, the Zoo, World of Coke, and the Fernbank Museum. First though was Ah Shavasana, a sort of sleeping yoga. It is meditation and breathing and relaxation. I'd done it once before and absolutely loved it, despite the fact that Master makes fun of me for not doing "real" yoga (IT TOTALLY IS REAL YOGA, BUT I'VE ALSO DONE THE HARD STRETCHY STUFF). But this was the first time for my friends and my mom, so we go. My friends kinda thought it was funny in the beginning, though they said they enjoyed it. My mom said she absolutely loved it. For me though, it was a little uncomfortable. It was different (and shorter) from the one I did before. Last time, it was chakras; this time, it was more energy and essence of the self. It was uncomfortable because I would lose my body. I enjoyed the energy acknowledgement part because I could feel myself get filled with this aura and spirit? Hard to find a word for it, but it was quite eye-opening. However, my body felt constricting at the same time. It got too heavy, too cumbersome, while I was just laying there. My hands no longer felt right, like they were facing a different way then they were and that they had switched sides - right on the left and left on the right. It was very disorienting and slightly anxiety-inducing. So, as per the instructions of the coach, I rolled onto my side for the fetal position until I came back. So, it was a so-so experience, with some ups and downs. But I'd still go to another class of it.

The first day was the Aquarium and World of Coke. I'd only been to each place once, and it was before the Dolphin show at the Aquarium and the renovations at WoC. They of course had never been to either. Master drove us, since I lack a license and they didn't have cars down here. Both K and N are studying the same major I had: Captive Wildlife Care & Education, so we were all very excited about seeing swimmy stuff. The dolphin was decent enough. But it was like this cheesy musical production as opposed to seeing dolphins do cool shit. There were dolphins, but it was all about story and singing. I was hoping for a similar dolphin show to the one that was in the National Aquarium. Or even some explanation of the dolphin behaviors and training that went behind it. I was hoping it was a show about dolphins, not a show with dolphins... But they had this big tank before you got to the seating area, and it was underwater so you got to see them swimmin' and being fun. That was cool. We each were looking forward to different things: N liked the touch pools and the beluga whales, I loved the otters and albino gators, and K liked the information for each of the animals. Master seemed bored? But even when I ask him now, he says he enjoyed himself, so who knows. But as far as I know, we all had tons of fun. Except for the 4-D movie... It was very much a children's thing, with music and silly little lessons. A bit of a waste of time for a group of 20+ year olds. Then it was snack time in the parking garage and onto World of Coke.

The World of Coca Cola is literally right across the "street" (more like grassy yard) from the Georgia Aquarium. So we just trot ourselves along to there, and get a little confused by the entrance. Once we're in, I'm already stunned by how different it is. I went a looooong time ago for a field trip, but even the little bit that I do remember was different from what's there now. There's a small guided tour in the beginning, but after the intro, Q&A, and self-promoting mini-movie, you're on your own. They have many different sections for each aspect: secret formula, manufacturing, history, influence on culture, even a 4-D movie. The 4-D movie was slightly better than the Aquarium one. Still childish, but relatively enjoyable with the rollercoaster seats. The water squirting made me squeal every time though.. There was a mascot who was a little clingy. It was funny at the time, but I would not suggest you do it if you have triggers: the bear hugs for too long, clings to your face, etc. Can be fun, but I can see it going wrong as well. Then there was the tasting place. Pretty awesome. They have over 60 flavors of different coke products from all over the world. Each little kiosk is separated by country. The favorite seemed to be Asia while Europe had the worst. NEVER DRINK BEVERLY FROM ITALY. It tastes like carbonated cough syrup, or an oral benzodiazepine called Versed. It literally made me gag. Asia had the overall best selection, but my favorite drink was Manzana from South America. Apple is yummy~ And then of course the complimentary coke in a glass bottle. I was getting heckled by my friends because I was taking too long to pick the right one. JOKES ON THEM BECAUSE I GOT THE BEST ONE, HA! Haha. Heh. The gift shop was nifty, but quite pricey. Still though, N got me a plush of those little kissy cottonball dog things. Master is creeped out by it, so I make it kiss his face on occasion. What? I have my sadistic side too~

Next day was Zoo day. My mom was coming back from a short business trip, so she joined us. However, it was bad timing because we went later in the day and most of the animals were either already put away or were pacing near the doors. But we still saw creatures and still caught the petting zoo before it closed. FUNNY STORY THERE! In the petting zoo there were only goats (sometimes they let out pigs, but not this time), so we're hanging out with them. One gets all cozy with N, which she loves because she has a pygmy goat at home - though these guys were bigger. It's obviously a male, and he starts peeing. While leaning on N, he turns his head and begins drinking his pee/fellating himself. N doesn't really care because she knows animals do gross things; however, after having fun with himself, the goat because to cough like an old woman RIGHT NEXT TO N'S FACE! There was phlegm and everything!!! It was so disgusting, but we're all cracking up. She moves on the the goat that K was getting acquainted with, but we're still laughing our asses OFF! We tell her she HAS to wash her face because ~shudder~ it was disgusting. We move on from there to the pandas. Now again, it was close to time for all the animals to go back inside because it was an hour from closing time. But the pandas were ready right then! There was a keeper in one of the enclosures, and the pandas kept looking at her from outside to in. One was even pawing at the window and the other was sitting next to and leaning ON the door. It was kinda cute. But mostly pathetic because they were SO ready to go back in. There were some animals who weren't available due to the colder season: tortoises. But there were also animals I hadn't seen before (last time Master and I went was two or three years ago): tanukis and bush dogs. I dunno what my favorite animal was from the visit. I really liked the komodo dragon, but the tanukis were pretty cute too. The big snakes were fucking awesome. I didn't see lions, even though I was looking forward to seeing them. The binturong was fucking nifty as hell; they are also called bearcats which makes sense. But they smell like popcorn!! I just think that is so cool; though I couldn't tell myself due to my anosmia, but everyone else confirmed for me. N was excited about seeing elephants, though there was only one out and he was eating. K likes rhinos, but they were already put away. My mom really loved the golden lion tamarins. Master seemed to enjoy the reptile house a lot, he took his sweet time in there. And of course, everyone thought the otters were adorable as hell~ So, other than the stereotypic behaviors that troubled us a bit, it was a nice visit. And in the gift shop, I did my first photo booth stuff with my friends. Pretty flippin' sweet! After the zoo, it was dindin time. We went to RuSan's (my favorite restaurant~), where everyone was surprised by my bottomless pit of a stomach when it came to sushi. But since it's RuSan's, 45 pieces of sushi only cost $15! Awesome, yeah? I could have had drinks, but I of course forgot my ID at home... Gotta get into the habit of taking it with me since now it actually serves a purpose!

Our final day of fun was at the Fernbank Museum. I thought it was gonna be like the Planetarium where I did this smart kid summer camp/school type thing, but it was a completely different location - a place where I had never been before. It was pretty cool there, though a little old and dusty. They had some temporary exhibits that were awfully cool: Genghis Khan and Cultures. The Genghis Khan exhibit was cool, but they had a mummified body on display and it was a little discomforting... Okay, a lot discomforting, but I'm tough! Grrrrrr! I liked the little house/hut thing. Looked warm and cozy~ The gift shop for that exhibit was awesome, so many peace flags and bells and little horse plushes and all sorts of cool things. There were also permanent displays, but they'd been around for so long they were a little abused and dusty. A little hard to breathe in the ones that had taxidermy in them because of the dust, not the deadness of the animals. The IMAX was pretty fuckin' sweet. Though, there were two different shows: Alaska and Butterflies. I - fearing butterflies - was vehemently against going into the Butterfly show, so we signed up for Alaska. However, we get into the show and the first thing on the screen is this swarm of winged horrors! I was almost out of my seat ten seconds in. Of course, my little group was giggling and watching for my reaction. Had I gotten the times wrong?? Were we sitting in the Butterfly show by accident or did they do this on purpose!? But no, it was a little preview for the other show. Probably the worst three minutes of my life. Master had to hold me by the arm to keep me from running out of there. It was a decent show, but I didn't learn anything new. It was very pretty to look at and very informative, but again nothing new for me. The gift shop there was awesome as balls. They have these little rubber animals figures for very cheap, and K got a handful of them for each of the three of us. A rhino for K, a hippo for me, and an elephant for N. We each got three of them to remind ourselves of the three of us. There were awesome plushes and cool jewelry things and just cool everything. They had a coin press there, again a first for me. And another photo booth that we took advantage of. Pretty sweet trip overall.

Later on that night, hours before the girls have to fly back home, we made K into a goth. Now, K is a super prep/athletic type. She's adorable and loves pink and purple and cowboy boots and guys in uniforms. Just the ultimate girly-girl. And I, of course, am the darker one of the group, so I've got the clothes for the transformation. It was some bet she had lost, or something. I don't know the specifics, but I was happy to do it all the same~ Lemme just say, K pulls off the gothic look better than most! She was super attractive and I was totally jelly. She Skyped her boyfriend to show him and he was gaga for her new (though temporary) look as well!  Unfortunately, though, the fun had to end. The next morning, Master and I had to take them back to the airport. There would have been tears (and there may have been once they were on the planes), but they were so anxious about flying and getting to their planes because the airport here is so ginormous. But they confirmed that they enjoyed themselves and that they loved seeing me. And of course, I feel the same way. It was very good to see them, and I love the household for surprising me in such a way. And yeeeeees, I even thank Master for making me clean, even though I was a bitch the whole time.

For presents, K gave me a wolf plush with a cheetah keychain picture. And N's gifts came in the mail the day they left back for home. It had a calendar, chocolates, a very cool abracadabra triangle to help bad things go away, and a variety pack of hot sauces (because I looooove spicy things). For their Christmas presents, I got N a handmade unicorn plush (I did not make it), and K got handmade animal finger puppets (again, I did not make them). They seemed happy with the gifts, so I did well~ It was overall a very wonderful experience, and one of the best gifts I think I could have ever gotten.

The pictures from the adventures can be found here.
Videos: Whale Shark Feeding, Sea Otters, River Otters, Belugas, Dolphins, Fizzy Thing @ WoC.

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This past weekend, I celebrated birthday things with other friends. The plan was to do it earlier, but things just didn't work out so it was postponed. They brought gifts and balloons and alcohol~ From T, I got a Wiccan rede candle, the Sextrology book, and a little wolf plush. From Ky, I got a beautiful watercolor painting of fish. And from Bunny and her Sir, I got two squishy light up animals (a canine and bunny personifying her and I) and glow in the dark stars! My old friend Kenji also came by, though her present was her presence; we haven't seen each other for a couple years, so it was just good to reconnect. And I liked her gift because I'd much rather have her than something shipped to me.

Ky brought board games at the suggestion from T, which was a good plan because I had nothing else for entertainment. We played a few games of comparison type things, which was hilarious. There was one question that came up with my Master as the subject. Something along the lines of, "if [insert subject] was a condiment, what would he be?" There were mundane answers like ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, etc. But the last option was an aphrodisiac made from rhinoceros horns! The people playing were Kenji, T, Bunny, Ky, and myself, and we ALL picked the aphrodisiac! It was quite hilarious. I did it because I know him, but I think everyone else did it for the lulz. Either way, he was surprised because he thought we'd pick Tabasco sauce. My brother and Bunny's Sir played pirate chess; I think her Sir won. And then my brother brought down the vidya gaemz.

While that commenced, a few of the group and I were worrying about the pizza because we'd ordered two hours earlier and it still hadn't gotten to us. So, we call and call and no answer. So, we decide to go out to the place (though it was near midnight) and find out what was going on. They were closed, but there were people still there. So, we knock and the guy has a total douchbag attitude about the whole thing. We just wanna know what happened. We weren't asking him to fuckin' make a pizza right there for us. But we had already paid and were just concerned. He yelled at us that they cancelled all the orders and were just closed. What!? We got no cancellation e-mail or call. No notice whatsoever. And then the jerk service just pissed us off more. Terrible customer service there. Again, I can understand, it was after hours and he might not have been able to do anything. But he could have handled it sooooo much better. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. You can come back tomorrow and try again, or we will refund your money immediately." As opposed to constantly yelling at us and throwing your arms up in the air and storming away in a huff. We weren't rude, so you shouldn't have been either. Fuckin' asshole. So, we tried Wendy's right next door. Posters on the windows clearly say they are open until 1 am, we are in the drive through at 12:20. But there is no answer!? No one at the window (though the lights are on and there is a purse on the counter inside), and no one answering the intercom. So, we drive to the next one. We get there at 12:30 and same fucking thing. What is wrong with fast food places here!? I just don't understand it... So, we settle for Walmart pizzas and go back home.

Everyone is grateful, but Kenji has a headache and has to go home. She lives in the next neighborhood over, so T and Ky walk with us back to her place. We drop her off, and come back to more vidya gaemz and still-hungry people. So, we make pasta and proceed to get drunk.

I'm a featherweight, so wine works for me. I have a light mix of vodka and apple soda, and finish off a bottle of chardonnay. I'm well and truly plastered an hour later. At that point, half of the group is in the living room watching Ky play L4D2, and the other half is in my bedroom (where Master's and my computers are) because my mother who lives upstairs yelled that we were too loud. On his computer, he's having people play scary games like Haunted and SCP: Containment Breach. I make myself another drink of very little whiskey and apple soda. It tastes fine, but that was just too much at that point. I find myself in the bathroom, blurry-visioned and stomach roiling. I call Alpha in with me because I don't want to be alone while feeling like utter shit. He's laughing at how ridiculous I am while shit-faced, but he's also putting cold water on my forehead and neck, getting me water to drink and crackers to eat, and holding me after my stomach has voided itself of all its contents. I'm still wobbly after I've vomited and cried and cleaned myself back up, but I'm feeling better. By the time I come back out, Bunny and her Sir are sleeping, Alpha is back on his computer playing Planetside 2, and Ky and T are talking about the paranormal. I join in the conversation, still quite tipsy but thinking clearly enough to make some sense. Hours later, it's bright outside and we're exhausted, so we go to bed. Friends are on a futon pallet I made in the livingroom, and I head to the bedroom.

I'm laying in bed, trying to read the second book of Game of Thrones, and Master is clearly horny. He does a little bit of body worship at first and then goes back to playing his vidya gaem, but that clearly wasn't enough. Ten minutes later, and we're drunk fucking. Gotta be quiet though because people are sleeping in the other room~ It was a nice quickie, though I couldn't tell if it was because he's a bit of an exhibitionist, or I was just super attractive (unlikely), but either way he didn't last long~ Which I am a fan of because it makes me feel good that I can make him feel so good. Either way, I'm a happy subbie going off into drunk dreamland~

Next evening (not morning because I woke up at 5pm), Alpha wakes me up because people are packing. Turns out, Ky's parents are going nutso because they don't trust us, and they want him home. So, T has to drive him back but will be returning just as soon as he's done. Bunny and her Sir stick around because they didn't have to go with, so Master has them play some gaemz. At first, he shows them Facade, but Bunny thinks it is a scary game and is hesitant to play. Once she figures out that she is supposed to coax a couple through their marriage issues, she is still hesitant because she doesn't know what to say. Bunny is a sweetheart to the point that she doesn't even wanna upset pre-programmed pixels. So, her Sir starts to mess around, being a massive butthole. It was funny to hear her grievances about it. Then, since her Sir is a major Magic fan, Master has him play the PC version. Bunny and I assign ourselves to our own laptops and proceed to send reddit links to each other.

Soon, food is brought up again, and we decide to get delivery from a DIFFERENT pizza place. T finally returns, and orders are made. While we wait, I give T the Sextrology book to read about himself. We did readings the night before, but eventually people got distracted so we never got to finish. T is an Aries but he says Aquarius suits him better. So he reads through and finds that with sex that is no longer true. So, he begins to flip through and find out which one suits him better. Turn outs, most of the Turn-Ons in the book are either too generic or too weirdly specific. Either way, not many fit him at all. He then reminds me that I didn't get to read all of mine, and then I remember that it is now MY book. So, I set to highlighting all of the things that resonate with me. I'm a Capricorn, but not all of the goatfish attributes fit me. So, I make little notes about things, with the intention of having T read them or I read them aloud. But it's getting late and Bunny's Sir has work in the morning. So, time rolls around that they have to leave, and I never got to finish my highlighting in time. But next time, I will be ready~ T seems to have this fascination with learning more about me; I swear I'm not that interesting, but I'll still oblige.

So, even though I threw up for the first time while intoxicated, and even the next day felt like utter shit for a good couple hours after waking up, I still had a fantastic time. I got to reconnect with a best friend I thought I'd lost to distance, and had a blast with other friends. Master is even excited about my legality because now he doesn't have to drink alone~

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to everyone who made this birthday so memorable. And to those reading that weren't involved, I can only hope you have half as much fun as I did for any future birthdays or other occasions~

Darkness

You guys wanted an update, so here it goes. I'm sad. And probably depressed again, though I can't find a reasonable excuse for why. I am still unemployed, despite the tries I consider to be effort. I feel friendless. And I know that's not true, but when I try to reach out, I'm either lightly batted away with "rain checks" or completely ignored. And some of it I deserve, for the wrongs I've committed and the things I've said. But I'm trying. All I can do is try. And yet, here I sit. Sad, and probably depressed again.

I have so many things to do and so many things I want. But no energy to do and no money to spend. I'm turning 21, but I'm still a child under my mom's roof.

I want to write. To figure out this dream I had some years ago, but I've lost the pages with the characters and they are slowly slipping back into the darkness of my mind. I want them to come to life. To live out what I've given them, and give them time and space to grow even further. But they are lost, and no other names suit them, yet I can't remember what they were. But my heart seizes up when I try to label them as something else, so I know it's not meant to be. They are who they are. But they are lost. And what if the story isn't any good? I would find pleasure in it, but what if I am likened to that Meyer girl? Not to my face, of course, but the insult would still be there. But it doesn't matter; they are lost.

This is pathetic. I'm sorry to even be posting any of this for it to see the light of day. These feelings should be bottled back up and tucked somewhere so they can't be seen until the next time it hurts so bad that I just wanna sleep and cry and sleep some more. Why have you asked this of me? You Anon. I know I don't have to reply and I could even fake something happy, but lying leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is what you wanted, Anon. I didn't want it, not really, yet here it is. I'm sorry. And I forgive you.

I need someone to talk to me, but I don't have anything to talk about. Does that even make sense? Probably not. Just sad, and probably depressed. Sorry, guys. Maybe I'll have something better next time.