Nothing

As I walked through the mall of a rich and affluent part of town, I feel out of place. I lived in this city for seven years of my teenage life, and I realize I never belonged. I used to fit in. My mother helped with that with her own vast income. But underneath that, I'm nothing. Without her, I'm nothing. Without friends, I'm nothing. Without Master, I am nothing. I will never achieve what I want to. Because I will never be important. I will never be successful. I will never be well-off. I will only ever consist of what others give me, and that has no longer been forthcoming.

I do not want to beg. I do not want to wait for the gifts and blessings of others. I want to stand on my own two feet with things I have given myself. But I can't. And I probably never will. I will forever thank and apologize to those around me. I am submissive, but I do not want to be a slave in this way. A pet to leftovers and courtesy. I want to make my own way in this world.

But I am nothing, and so I cannot. All that I am unto myself is a pair of diseased lungs, an insatiable appetite, a most likely dysfunctional womb, and a bad attitude. I have nothing of worth for myself. I have nothing to offer for others. And friends might reply, "you have many things to offer. You are a good friend and give advice." All I offer is words. I cannot even give actions. What good are words in a world of doing? I am nothing of value. And this is all I can ever be.

I have tried. I have played into society's game of job finding. I have played the fool for interviews. I have tried my hand at self-employment. I have tried to be a caretaker. I have tried all of these and more. But nothing sticks. Nothing works. Nothing fits. I am just a lump on this little rock with nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Nothing of value. Until the day I cease to be even that.