Commitment

So, I have a question. Why is being in a long-term committed relationship such a shocking thing nowadays? Why do people feel the need to ask me, even after telling them it's been five years, "Wow! You guys are pretty serious, huh?" No, shitforbrains, we're still just on the fling part of things. Never mind the fact that we live together now. Naaaaah, we're all for free love. And not to bash on those who do like free love. I'm finding myself more and more partial to polyamory as the days go on. But why be shocked? Why act surprised to find out two people are serious for each other? Is that what today is like? Where flings are less shocking than people intending to marry each other? Why?

I might be able to understand if you didn't expect the person to be that way. To give an exaggerated example: a hippy get married to one man and stays with him for sixty years until they die. Hippies have a reputation for being less about monogamy and more about givin' it to whoever asks. Because free love, baby. Sure, you can say "Huh, that's really nice. Given your past/what I've heard about you/previous judgments, I never woulda guessed." That's fine. Close-minded, but I'll excuse it. But to act like you've never heard of that happening anywhere else in the world??? C'mon!

I can only date people with the intention of being with them long-term. I know many other people aren't like that, but I accept it. Or at least I try to. Yeah, I explain the dangers of casual sex, but only because that's common knowledge. Please, if you think I need to be enlightened about the dangers of marriage, let me fuckin' know. Because chances are, I didn't know about those dangers before. My mother recently told me the difference between marriage and a long term relationship, because I seriously did not understand why this change happened between normally happy couples and married couples. She explained to me the financial side of things. And it made sense to me. Because you can have a fabulous fucking time with that one dude, but if he has terrible credit? And you get married? He's fucking your shit up. And that's when heads begin to roll and tempers flare. Because you forget about all those good things in the light of money problems. And money problems themselves and the dependency on money is an entirely different conversation, but you get my point. I really didn't know that before. So, my boyfriend could be this fantastic fucking guy, I love every waking minute with him, but if he was bad with money... Once we got married, it wouldn't just be his problem anymore. Thankfully, he's not the one I have to worry about. Unfortunately, I'm the one I have to worry about with that shit. But I'm sure I'll figure it out on the way. I ain't stupid.

Anyway. Ramble, ramble. I should probably do an outline of these things before typing them up all willynilly because they start to get away from me a bit once I get into it... But oh well. Not like you folks care.

So yes. Stop acting surprised when I tell you my Master and I have been together for almost five years. So the fuck what if I'm only 20. Are you surprised because I'm more successful in love than you have been? Because if that's so, I'll let it slide. Then again, I probably shouldn't get so caught up in what my stripper father thinks of my love life. He's got 40+ kids, from almost as many different women. So, I'm pretty sure the shock is just from comparing and finding out how different our lives are. See, Daddy? You did teach me something!

Attraction

I guess I'll first start this off with myself.

There are a handful of people who have described me as attractive. Maybe two handfuls, if I remember really hard. Either way, I disagree with them. All of them. You see, to me, the whole of me is not attractive. I have attractive features or parts, but the combination of all of them does not make me pretty. I have nicely shaped eyes and long lashes. My hair has its pretty days, but mostly messy and intolerable days. I have a decent butt. My boobs have their fantastic days and their bad days. Etc, etc. But the sum of all these parts does not amount to more than the individual parts. When I look in the mirror, I do not see an attractive person. I'm not hideous, I will admit that. But I cannot see what it is Alpha raves about. Why does he want to share my image with the world? He likes to joke about showing me off, and there is some seriousness in the form of attraction in his voice. But why? What on me is good enough to show to others??


Enough of that. Onto the real reason for making this. What about a person makes you attracted to them? Male, female, or other. What gets your juices flowing? Because for my particular tastes, it depends.

Often times, no matter what the person looks like, a good personality will win my adoration. I've found myself falling for someone society might consider horribly unattractive, but the sweetness of their soul will bring me to tears and make my heart stretch out to try and meet theirs. Other times, the body will catch my eye only. Now, not to say an attractive asshole will remain attractive, that is not the case at all. If you act like shit, you will look like shit in my eyes. Even someone who I saw as attractive became unattractive after I learned not nice things about them (George Clooney).

What do I find physically attractive? I will tell you mental audience.
For females, it is curves. Nicely proportioned curves. My Master likes curvy women of all types, but I find myself disagreeing with some of his favorites, so I will slap on the disclaimer of "nicely proportioned". Nothing outrageous or extravagant. Nothing ridiculous or ludicrous looking. Hourglass is preferred, but I can do a slight pear shape or whatever the reverse is called. I really can't do square shaped females though. Just. There's no figure. I can't get over that. Usually their "assets" are what I look at next: TnA. Yeah, I ogle some tits and ass, who fuckin' doesn't? Nobody, that's who. And he's dumb. I can be okay with a small-chested girl, but she has to make up for it in the rear. But vice versa is not true. Girls need booties to get my attention. Again, nothing circusy (unlike my Master's preferences), but large and round are very nice to look at~ After that? Not a whole lot matters really. Does that make me shallow? Maybe. Do I care? No. Hair can be whatever, but if its straight, chances are I'll get jealous. Eyes can be whatever, but if they are prettier than mine (chances are high that they are), then I'll get jealous. I prefer pouty lips, but I'll take whatever. And ethnicity can be just about whatever. Though, I only like a few choice black chicks, the rest of them kinda squick me out. Some celebrities I like the looks of are: Shakira, Beyonce, Kiera Knightley, Mila Kunis, Kate Beckinsale (Underworld style), Milla Jovovich, and Jennifer Connelly. Those are ones I would bang, no questions asked. But others I still find myself attracted to in some way are: Courteney Cox, Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft style), Jennifer Lopez, and a few others I can't remember the names of.

For men, it varies greatly. (~Prepares self for shitstorm from Alpha, but whatevz.) The way I judge men can be unorthodox. Some use muscles or humor or their chemistry with cute things like babies and dogs. Sometimes I do that, but some males I find attractive don't fit any of those criteria. And then there are those males that everyone goes googoo over that I'm just standing thinking "uh, ew?": Denzel Washington, the current president, Chris Evans, and some others I can't think of. Some pretty common eyecandy for myself and many others are: Brad Pitt, Robert Downey Jr, David Bowie (circa Labyrinth), Childish Gambino, Joe Manganiello, Koga (Inu Yasha), etc. The more unusual ones I like to look at? Ones I haven't heard anyone else mention? They would be Nicholas Cage, Vegeta (yep, DBZ), Bruce Willis, Javier Bardem, Vincent D'Onofrio (The Cell style), Anthony Hopkins (dat Hannibal Lecter), etc. Why does these guys register or don't register on my radar? Who fucking knows. RDJ has this aura about him of not giving a fuck that makes me want to make him give a fuck; plus dat goatee. There's muscles on some, but flab on others. This carnal presence. A weird sense of humor. I can't tell you exactly why I find some of the folks I named attractive. I just do. Gives me weird tingles to watch them in movies sometimes. But I try my hardest not to obsess, because I've got a great lookin' guy who sleeps in my bed every night. I've had an old friend call him sexy, and while I agree, it ignited a possessive beast inside of me. Other people wonder why I like him, let alone love him. He has this body that makes me shiver just thinking about it. His eyes are so light blue, I lose myself from staring into them for so long. I love his hair (even if he doesn't). I love his style, even if he doesn't understand why. I find him so fucking attractive, that I have to steal glances at him to placate my need to see him because if I stare he yells at me. So while I might drool over anime characters or werewolves from an HBO series, I have my own stud all to myself.

For a bit more of the vulgar side of things... Dicks are awesome. Penises just have some aesthetic appeal to my eyes and mouth and lower parts. Vaginas... I'm getting there. But even when I like vaginas as much as I like penises, I will still prefer "innies". "Outties" are those hamburger, roast beef flap lookin' vaginas. Some folks like 'em, some hate 'em. I hate 'em. As for dicks. As much as I love them, not all are created equal. I cannot stand the sight of uncircumcised cocks. Don't care that it's natural. Don't care that it feels better for the guy. Don't care that "once they're hard, it really doesn't matter what they looked like before" because I won't put my mouth or hands on one to find out. I just can't deal with that foreskin. Or the slimy head thing. Hurghdjfdaksdjsdj. Gross, gross. For those of you who revel in them, please take them all: floppy vaginas and slimy dickheads alike. I don't want 'em, so I'm willing to give them to you. If this offends you, think of it this way: More for you to enjoy.



This might end up sounding weird, but I really don't care. When it comes to my friends, I surround myself with people I connect with and find attractive in some way. For most of you, I've imagined myself dating you in one way or another. It's just how I do things. The way my mind works. Have I continued doing so, after the initial daydream? For a handful, yes. Will I tell you who? Not here. Can I help it? Not really. It just happens. I have very little intention of acting on those "visions" as well. While Master and I have discussed gaining a third (has to be a sub or switch), we are still an exclusively monogamous relationship. And there we shall remain until the mood strikes us in a different direction.


This was kinda rambly all over the place. But whatevz. It's a blog, not an essay. If you gained absolutely nothing from this, coo', complain about it in that bottom part. If you did gain something, coo', talk about it in that bottom part. I want more discussions with you guys. More comments. More agreeing or disagreeing. Because when I beg, only then does the mood strike you in such a way.

Disgusting

 The way some people treat others disgusts me. Underhanded passive aggression and blatant disregard for an individual's well-being. An exciting outing of fun an adventure turned into some macabre soap opera about defending one's right to exist as they want. Really, human race? This is what we've come down to? The color of a person's skin is no longer an appropriate slander topic, now it's gender, appearance, fucking hair, and their own choice of people to associate themselves with. I would maybe understand if harm came to a person because of the company they kept or the choices they made, but the only harm comes from the offense the close-minded people cause. Emotional, mental, and collateral physical harm. Why? If you care for the person, why do such a thing? Even if you are a stranger, who are you to say who or what a person is? You know nothing. You respect nothing. How are you to gain respect if you give none?



How could someone go from being a friend to some horrendously atrociously insincere enemy? Over something as simple as dissociation from drama? They remove themselves from you because they are being the bigger person, and you are perpetuating how bad you've become by throwing your jaws around their throat while cooing sweet nothings. Why be a hypocrite? What drove you to such lengths? Why succumb to that when you were the one to start it in the first place? You are scolding them for reacting appropriately to the reactors you set up. Like screaming at a dog when it flinched because you beat it. Cruelty. That's what you have become, you are cruel. And you sit atop your throne with your peons and piss on the people who see the truth and say no.



Today was supposed to be a fun day, and for the most part it was. But humanity has fallen far. Kindness is no longer found in the hearts of men and women and those in between. Common courtesy is a rare gem that must be unearthed in order to shine in the sun; even then, it is thrown around and scratched and damaged beyond all recognition.


I love the people I allow into my life, that is why you are there. I'm sorry for the horrible things that happen to you. I apologize for all of the monstrosities that befall your person. You are with me for a reason, I keep you around for a good cause. There are those I use, but I do not keep them close to the heart. I refuse to allow them close because that is not where they belong; I will not be deceitful. I will not pull someone close, whisper niceties in their ears, and then refuse them the friendship they deserve. If you think you are being used, do not hesitate to ask me. I will answer. If you are friend, believe it. If you are a tool in my life, believe it. Do what you wish with the answer. I refuse to fake it to make you feel better. This is my life. You have your life. Everyone is entitled to be who and what they want. Consequences will find you if you intend harm. Be reasonable, people. Fuckin' a.







Goodness: Everyone was adorable today. People I wasn't even expecting to look good or for me to feel good about looked fantastic. There was generosity abound within our small circle. Fun to be had and joy to be shared. Some of us ice skated, we all talked, and plenty of pictures were taken (I'll add some in a few days). Early morning on a few hours of sleep, and I'm currently pushing my insomnia to its limit, but I don't want the day to end. I want to relish in this good company and shoo the bad things away. But the nastiness has infected our group. Folks are exhausted, physically and emotionally. Important ties have been severed, possibly permanently, and lives are changing. Why do the winds of change have to hurt so much?




I'm Little Red Riding Wolf. Because why the fuck not. Pictures can be viewed here.

Judgement

How do you know who or what you are as a person? Do you allow yourself to stake final claim over your own labels? Or do you seek insight from others? Or are you like me where it varies based on the moment? How do you know if you are good or bad or just regular?

And before you go exclaiming exaggerations, let me first give you some things to think on. A man is religious and wants to purify the people around him. S he sets forth on this faithful mission to help cleanse his loved ones. The gods speak to and through him to help people see the light of goodness. A week later, the same man is in the papers for slaughtering his wife, and three daughters. He's committed to an insane asylum where he speaks to god through padded walls. In his mind, he is good. In ours minds, he is bad. How does one know the difference? A bit dramatic, sure, but you get my point?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, someone who appears inherently good can think themselves to be the ultimate evil. So how do you know? How can one find balance while remaining themselves? I think the balance comes from all points - both outside and inside - but most of all from within the self. One must remind honest while positive with the self. Positive in that you aren't constantly battering yourself with negative emotions and words. Yet honest enough to where if there is something negative, you work towards improving it.

Where did this come from? From internal conflicts and from external words. Close friends in my life tell me it is difficult to see me as a sub. I asked why, and some replied, but others did not. So, I set myself to thinking about what makes a person a sub and did I qualify. But that's where the negativity started, by thinking there is some qualification to be something. I am a self-proclaimed switch, yet in my daily life, I act as a slave to my Master and a dominant advisor to friends. I like to see myself as more submissive, but others find that I am more dominant. Excluding the switch label, where does that put me? Where did I think it put me? I thought it put me outside this barrier I set for myself and others. I thought I was some strange outlier, where no one could figure out what I was and that left me floating in this lake of confusion, where everyone was on land having their own little private get togethers and I was unable to come ashore because I didn't fit in. Even then, I knew of course about switches, but I didn't consider myself one. I just thought I was a sub who topped from the bottom, and that is generally seen as a bad thing. So was I bad? Different doesn't always mean bad, but I felt like I was bad. I could have stuck to my guns and insisted I was a sub, but when enough people say otherwise or question that insistence, what was I supposed to do? Believe blindly that they were wrong and I was good, like the religious man's example? Or did I set my own thoughts aside and grab hold of everyone else's statements and beliefs? I did neither and both of them, I called myself a switch.

This was an easier solution, but similar things are hardly ever easy. How do you stay yourself while listening to everyone else? Or do you ignore others and go about your business? How do you remain good while staying individual? How do you stay true to yourself while staying within the boundaries of moral wellness? Is that possible? How do you all do it? Fer srs, answer me.

PS: Please don't start in on how each society is different with its constraints and moral code, I'm aware of that more than you might think I am. I merely want to know how you maintain yourself and your personal image, not about how our society is corrupt or wrong and everyone else is fabulous; because while the former might be true, the latter certainly isn't.

BDSM Beginning

So, this one will be about how I came into BDSM, upon the request of an Anonymous comment. My introduction to BDSM and how I live it now.

It's tough to pinpoint the exact time at which I got kinky. I was young, for sure. Preteens, at best. It may have been when I found and hoarded my mom's Gorean novel collection. Or when I discovered the glory that is Laurell K. Hamilton. Or maybe I found a kinky magazine in the giant chest my stripper father has full of porn in picture and literary form. Whatever the jumpstart, I started young. Younger than I should have, probably. Younger than I've heard of others, definitely not. Either way, when I got internet, it exploded into even more. At first, it was just an idea, but then I had images and fantasies to go with the idea. However, it wasn't until in the last couple years that I actually came to understand BDSM. I knew of the punishments and rough sex and awesome outfits, sure. But the dynamic, the mental aspect  that comes with it came much, much later. I didn't understand that there was so much in the darkness of kink. I thought it was just all general stuff. Needless to say, my eyes were opened to all the possibilities and differences that were there to fear and/or appreciate.

Alpha and I met online. Through a mutual friend on GaiaOnline to be more precise. In a rant thread. I was fourteen and complaining of familial issues. He was nineteen (two months from twenty) and he had a HUGE collection of paragraphs. For some reason, the things he said there just attracted me to him. We continued conversations into private message and instant-messaging. We talked for about six months or so. He lived in Alaska at the time, was bald, and was chasing after some girl who didn't even love him back. I was approached by someone else online and was thrown into a whirlwind of a relationship - not in the good way. Two years later, my relationship was on the rocks - for the nth time - and I'd had enough. I remembered this guy I met on Gaia who was always so nice to me. And I decided to recontact him, hoping to have someone be nice to me again. Thankfully, he responded and helped me officially break up with the two-year mistake I made. (Mistake isn't fair, but it's true. However, it is not something I regret, as now I know what to avoid.) It was around Christmas time, and my best friend was over. She, combined with Alpha's efforts, helped me to not turn back around and enter back into the on-again-off-again vicious cycle. A few days later and I confessed to Alpha that I liked him, but he said that it might not work. I went to bed devastated while my friend talked to him. The next morning, she tells me he only hesitated because of the age difference; I was sixteen and he was nearing twenty-two. I talked to him online again that day and we agreed to meet and try things out. If it went the way of a relationship, fan-fucking-tastic. If not, I'd have to settle for a friendship. Two months later, for Valentine's Day, he comes down from his hometown of Chicago to Georgia to meet me. (If you're wondering where my mom is in this scenario, she wasn't okay with it at first, but later agreed. She's cool like that.) He stayed for a week and we went on a few dates, and hung out tons. Two days before he had to fly back home, he asked me to go steady. It was the first night he'd stayed over - the weekend. We'd rationalized it to be too late for him to go home, even though his hotel was within walking distance. We were sleeping on the couch together while the tv ran in the background. It was 2 am on the seventeenth of February and he asked me to be his. I was half asleep, but I said yes with my heart in my throat beating a million miles a second. We cuddled back down and fell asleep. On the nineteenth, he left, but not before promising to move closer as soon as possible. In May of that year, he had moved down and was living with his aunt about an hour and a half away.

How did he become my Master through all of that? With the marvels of instant-messaging, of course. We talked as much as we could online and on the phone, as limited as we were by long-distance minutes on the latter. He thought I was innocent, which I had a good long giggle at. I discovered that he and I clicked in so many kinky ways. It wasn't just that that convinced me we were perfect for each other, but it was certainly a big tipper.

Our kink at first just consisted of a bit of roleplaying online and me calling him Master. Once we lived closer, it fell to bedroom activities. Now it contains more disciplinary and domestic aspects. Not quite 24/7, but as close as we can get while living beneath my mother. Some of my favorite things we do is a kind of petplay, or feralplay. When we growl at each other and do other feral things. It makes me feel all wild and animalistic. Chases away any inhibitions I may have and allows me to enjoy myself. I also like petplay, but I find it to be a softer form. There's of course the Master and slave part. We have yet to do any psuedorape scenes, but we both have a passion for it. The only thing we lack for psuedorape are the props. The few toys we do have serve us well enough. But I'm greedy, and always want more to play with. I am collared, even with a matching leash. I have one set of leather cuffs, but no proper restraint system. A few gels, lubes, and sprays. Some outfits. A new vibrator and vibrating butt plug. A very pretty paddle~! And a few other things. Some toys I'd like are floggers, vampire gloves (google it), a ballgag, more outfits, a cage, and a few more things for training (butt plugs of various sizes, etc.). I've gathered quite a few websites that contain all of these and more. At the end I am willing to share~

The types of music that turns me on varies greatly. Some days its sexy pop songs, to vulgar rap songs, to sultry alternative songs, to passionate R&B, to reggaeton that moves my body, to bassy dubstep. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly what gets me going, but when it happens, there's very little that can help me turn back - like I'd want to at that point. Some songs specifically are:

• Skin - Rihanna
• Suck my Cockiness - Rihanna
• Hurricane - Thirty Seconds to Mars
• Gimme More - Britney Spears
• Slow Wind - R. Kelly
• Sex in the Kitchen - R. Kelly
• La Tortura - Shakira
• Tempted 2 Touch - Rupee
• Turn Me On - Kevin Lyttle
• We Be Burning - Sean Paul
• Baby Boy - Beyonce
• Slow Jamz - Twista
• Storm - Jamie Foxx
• Bed - J Holiday
• Suffocate - J Holiday
• Ride - Ciara
• Flesh - Simon Curtis
• And many, many more...

My kinks range from soft bondage to heavier bloodplay. I've always had a morbid obsession with scars and flesh wounds, but only recently have they become sexualized. I can't think of things that I didn't like before and now relish. I guess one thing would be pee. I don't have an uber fetish for it, like some people I know, but I don't mind the thought of being degraded in such a way. Poop, vomit, gaping, are absolute no-nos. Another one I've learned to come to terms with are multiple partners: threesomes, polygamy, etc. In my heart, I still feel monogamous, but more in the way that I can't do casual sex. It doesn't have to be only two people to a relationship, just staying true to those I love.



This is where I'd post the links I promised above, however my laptop is on the fritz, so my bookmarks are unavailable to me for the moment. However, if you feel like sharing some websites you know, please post them below, and I can add them here, until I have access to my sweet lappy again.

Perceptions

I'm currently twenty years old. Almost two months away from my next "legal" birthday in January. Even in the last five years, my perceptions of things and views on what I previously thought were wrong or scandalous have changed. My head spins at the mere thought of what I thought was good and evil ten or more years ago. Yeah, I'm still young, too young to have changed much, but perhaps by the time I've finished this, you'll think differently about that. Maybe even challenge some beliefs you've held close.

In freshman year of high school, all druggies were bad. Pot smokers, bad. Alcoholics, bad. People addicted to painkillers, bad. I still think people who do meth and crack aren't on the correct path of life, but I have more sympathy for them now than I did before. I've had pot brownies (not by accident) and it was a horrible experience. Had half an entire batch with some very strong stuff. Slept two days and could barely get out of bed and think clearly on the third. It wasn't like I had bad trips or anything, it's just such a waste of time to have slept for so long when there was so much else I could have done. And some who know me very well might go "well, how is sleeping for two days and not doing anything any different from what you do when you're depressed? You still don't shower, barely eat, etc. etc." Well, it is different. When I'm depressed, I at least think. There were no thoughts when I was that high. Or they were ridiculous thoughts. Like how the entire universe is just a movie and we have scripts, even if we don't know it. And then I thought I was breaking my script and was going to be punished by the divine directors for figuring out their plot. And then I thought that it was part of my script to question the celestial authority. And then I went to bed. And slept. And slept. And got up to pee once. And slept. It's just such a waste. I can run myself in circles with better thoughts than that. I don't fault you folks who use it to be creative or do something you think is worth while. Hell, I envy you if you can make it work for you. But it's not my thing.

Alcohol. Used to be HORRIBLE. It was gross and people were bad for indulging in it. Then I found drinks I liked. And I can't count the days I wished I could drown my problems in a tall glass of Moscato. Probably not so good, but now I sympathize instead of patronize.

I've had morphine from after a surgery. I can see how people can get addicted to something that makes you feel like warm fur is on the inside of your flesh and your head is wrapped in cotton candy gauze. I'd be addicted to it myself, if I thought I could be normal when on it. But I know I can't.

Blow jobs. Oh, christ. I know a few who won't believe this, but it's as true as me sitting here. I thought blow jobs were absolutely disgusting. I couldn't understand how something that boys peed out of could be put in anyone's mouth and thought of as a good thing. Oral on girls was gross too. Because it's all nasty and slimy down there. Who'd want to put their mouths on anything that piss came from?? But now I can't get enough of blow jobs. Fucking, gawd, I dream of that shit. I read romance novels that immortalize it and all I can think of is how I agree and want nothing more than to do it forever. And receiving it ain't all that bad anymore either, heh.

Remember just a few months ago, when I said vaginas are terrible? Not so much anymore. I find myself thinking about how I'd like a girlfriend and show her all the tricks I can do with my tongue. I want to give a girl all the pleasures I've been shown and more. And this leads me to polyamory. I'm typically monogamous, but I find the definition of it stretching to encompass more than just two people. Master and I have had few and far between talks about adding a third. And now I find myself thinking about it more and more. Wanting it more and more. I don't know how I'll deal with the extra emotional baggage, but I want to find out. I want to make another person happy and have that person make me happy.

Water chestnuts. Oh lordie. A year ago they were so horrible. The texture, the sound, the everything. I can't eat them plain or have too many now, but I've learned to tolerate and appreciate what they add to a dish.

And so many other things. They range from the seriousness of depression to the simpleness of doughnuts. I've flexed and changed and transformed into someone/something I never thought I could be before. I can't tell if it's bad or good. I'll let you be the judge. Or not. I could give no fucks.

Inspiration

C'mon, folks. I know people read this stuff, I can see the views. Comment, ask me some shit, give me some ideas for things to write.
I can't come up with this crap all by myself, otherwise it'll just be whiny and kinky shit.
If that's what you like, please, let me know because I just feel like a broken record no one even wants. Just keep scratching over and over again, hoping to hit some groove that will get some attention. But how can I tell if no one lets me know?

So, your duties as an audience is now this: Comment, write me, criticize me or my writings, praise me for what you like, just say something. Give me ideas. Give me story plots. Give me SOMETHING.

Please~

69 Answers

 Saw this on my facebook, and some of the questions are ones that certain folks in my life might not wanna know about me. So, I'm posting it here. Because older folks don't read blogs, right? And no, it ain't my parents. Pretty sure they'd be alright with most of the answers. Not comfortable, but alright.


If you read this, you have to post your answers too. It's sharing time, kids! Yay~


~~~~~


1. Had sex? Yes
2. Bought Condoms? Yes, but not for the person I had actual sex with; he just kinda rubbed it against my butt and I didn't like it, so we stopped; learn from me, kids, never use cinnamon lube
3. Gotten somebody Pregnant? No, and never been pregnant
4. Failed A Class? Yes
5. Kissed A Boy? Yes, durr
6. Kissed A Girl? Yes, and licked a girl's tongue; they were sisters, oh yeah~
7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch? No, grocery bag
8. Had A Job? Yes, HAD being the operative word...
9. Slipped On Ice? Yes, too many times for my poor knees and ass to count
10. Missed The School Bus? Yes, I still have horrible nightmares about it... Don't ask...
11. Fucked a girl? No
12. Bullied Someone On The Internet? Yes
13. Sexted? Tried to, never got any replies
14. Had Sex In Public? Tried to in a public bathroom at a hotel; plenty of public fondling though
15. Played On A Sports Team? No, ain't a very good team player
16. Smoked Weed? No, brownies
17. Smoked Cigarettes? No, CF
18. Smoked A Cigar? No, CF
19. Drank Alcohol? Yes
20. Watched porn? Yes, and read it, and participated in it
21. Skipped class? Yes
22. Gotten Arrested? No, but almost for hitting my mom after she hit me
23. Done meth? No, I already have nightmares of my teeth crumbling out of my face from poor hygeine, meth is just a horrible step up
24. Been To A Wedding? No
25. Fell in love with a best friend? If you count my current love, yes
26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? Pfft, yes
27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight? Yes
28. Been Late For Work? No
29. Been Late For School? Yes
30. Kissed In The Rain? Yes, if sprinkling counts
31. Showered With Someone Else? Yes
32. Failed My Drivers Test? Never done one
33. Cheated on a ex? Yes, if online relationships count
34. Been Outside My Home Country? Yes, Canada
35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours? Yes, longest was 17 hours
36. Had Lice? No
37. Gotten My Heart Broken? Yes
38. Had A Credit Card? Debit
39. Been To A Professional Sports Game? Yes, a baseball game when I was much younger
40. Broken A Bone? No
41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian? Heteroflexible
42. Won A Trophy? No
43. Cut Myself? Yes
44. Had An STD? No
45. Got Engaged? No
46. Done ecstasy? No
47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show? No
48. Rode In A Taxi? No
49. Been To Prom? No, the only thing I feel like I've missed out on is the chocolate fondue fountain
50. Played A Drinking Game? No
51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More? Yes
52. Been To A Concert? No
53. Had A Three-Some? No, but maybe one day
54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex? Yes
55. Been In A Car Accident? When I was a baby
56. Had Braces? No
57. Learned Another Language? Not fully, but I've had Japanese classes
58. Killed An Animal? Tadpoles, when I kept them in a gatorade bottle because I wanted to make frogs
59. Been At A Yard Sale? Yes, PLENTY
60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse? Yes
61. Wore Make Up? Yes; good at it? No
62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam? Yes
63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16? I was 16
64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out? No, but I might soon just to get it over and done with before cavities set in
65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself? Ha, uh kinda? I'm mixed and she's mixed?
66. Snuck Out Of The House? Yes
67. Bought Porn? Pfft, if you pay for porn, you're missing out on a whole lotta free fucking
68. Had A Virus On My Computer? Yes
69. Had Oral Sex? Yes; love to give it, love to get it


~~~~~

Now, post your questions!
Either below in a comment or elsewhere and link it in a comment below!
And if you have any more questions for me that you'd like to know, don't hesitate to ask!

Fuck You

Brain, can I just start out by saying I hate you? I hate what you make me think and what you make me feel. It's all lies, I know it is. With your new friend depression, you whisper evil into my head and heart and make me ruin everything good going on in my life. There, that felt good.

As some friends may know, I've been having emotional troubles lately. My depression has come back and it's hitting hard. Not to mention, almost everyone here in this house seems to be against me: namely my mother. I know Master isn't against me; at least the logical part of my brain tells me this. But with all the latest stresses putting my ugly thoughts on hyperdrive, even the smallest things that I don't like blow up into a huge two-day grudge. And he doesn't deserve that, so why does he deal with me still?

Let me explain a bit more. We've moved. Master moved in with me into the finished basement of the house my mother owns. We all call it an "apartment" because it has it's own private kitchen, bathroom, laundry section, and driveway. But it's still attached to the house. The day Master moved in, it rained. And the day after he moved in, it rained. And the bathroom flooded. There's a leak in the foundation from outside to inside and water can seep in, fairly easily. But we wiped it up with towels, told my mom, and went to Walmart. When we come back, THE WHOLE DOWNSTAIRS IS SOAKING WET. The bathroom overflooded and got into the carpets and soaked everything down the hall, and into the kitchen. The vinyl flooring was fucking floating there was so much water. In our bedroom, there was water somehow; it's not close to the bathroom and the outside of the wall is feet upon feet of dirt. So how the fuck did it leak!? Doesn't matter how, only matters that it did. So now, our electronics are at risk, we have to move all of our things and boxes into the drier part of the living room. The water moved four fucking rooms down. Thankfully, before going to Walmart, my mom told us to get a shop vacuum and a dehumidifier. However, none of these things could match the power of fucking mother nature. AND IT STILL RAINED. The next day, no more rain, but everything is soaking. My mom has a carpet cleaner come, he pulls up all the carpet and dries it. The bathroom vinyl is still not put back down, a week and a half later. We just don't have enough money to fix things properly, and the assholes whose job it was to fix this place didn't.

Then, the toilet and tub decided water going down was too good for them and they started overflowing. Turns out the septic tank's pipes are fucked up. So, more water and leaking and stress.

This house still needs so much work, but there's nothing we can do. The contractor will just ask for more money to do things we asked him to do in the first place, and we have no more funds for that. So, we have to live here. We have no other options.

So all this stress leads up to me feeling like shit. I've been sleeping like 20 hours a day. Master wants to fix up the house himself and he needs my help, but I just don't have the mental or physical capabilities to keep up with him day in and day out. And then he wants to spend so much time with me. Which is something that would fill my dreams before, but I never realized how different things would be living with someone else. Yes, I want micromanagement for my life, but he doesn't do that. He asks me to do things and then gets upset when I tell him no because I wanna do my own thing. I let him do his own thing, have all the private time he wants/needs; why am I not entitled to the same luxuries? It's tough, learning to live with another person. And with the constant badgering of this decrepit house, it's starting to wear on my nerves in a very bad, explode-y sort of way.

My mother wants us to be perfect little children while also maintaining the independent adult look. How the fuck are we supposed to balance that?? How are we supposed to bow to her every whim while also doing our own thing and not living beneath her, tripping her up at every step? What the fuck does she want from us? From me? And of course, Alpha doesn't notice. He says she's being very cordial and nice. But he doesn't see her burst from her composure because he's too busy sleeping. And god forbid, I wake him up. But waking me up is fine. I just don't know what to do. There's so much... Unfairness going on, but I feel bad for bringing it up because I'm sure I'm hard to live with. I'm messy, expensive, smelly, and misbehaved. Why can't I be the perfect little roommate maid that he wants? I should just cook dinner, suck his dick, and scrub the tub naked for his pleasure, right? Right??

So I've been talking with friends. But I'm trying to stay neutral about it, which is difficult. I don't hate him, of course not. But my patience is wearing thin. I just want to live how I want. But that's impossible with another person in the house, right? Compromise, right? So then what do I have to do? What can I do to make everyone happy, my own happiness be damned? I'm just tired of being yelled at and scolded for things I didn't even know were bad. And please, don't suggest a contract. He's already expressed his disdain for such things. "We don't have to write it all down, we have a verbal contract. You just listen and follow like a good slavie." Which would be fine, but how am I supposed to know what not to do so that I don't get in trouble or upset him? How am I supposed to know anything until he gets mad and I'm graced with an explanation of what I did wrong?

Goddammit, this whole thing is a disgusting hodgepodge of pity, self-hatred, sadness, and exhaustion.

Friends

So, I've got several friends. Good close friends, online friends, college friends, high school friends, middle school friends, etc. I'm not popular, but the friends I do have are fiercely loyal. So how about I give a few shout outs to those good friends?

Also, this is in no particular order. Not ascending or descending. So don't get your panties in a twist if someone is "higher up" than you. If you're on the list, I love you. So chill.

~~~~~

Puckie Pie-
Dunno how long we've been friends for; years? You and I have meaningless conversations about crying poops and then we'll go into philosophical debates about people and life. Our humor differs slightly from each other, but we're both pretty fucked up. And it works~ You put yourself down too often, but I don't hesitate to try and build you back up. Even when you'd rather be left alone to wallow. You have FANTASTIC art, despite your reservations about your talent. You are worldly in that you know so much about other places, but you don't glorify them. You don't think of yourself as this big shot, which is humbling. We Skype almost every night, which I like because I don't like being alone. Even though it's just a voice, you keep me company.

Rarie-
We've been friends since we were both illegals. Man, talking to you is awesome. You're a fantastic guy and you're honest as hell to boot. I should probably take your words to heart more often considering how truthful you are, but it's tough, you know? I'm skeptical because of my past and things that keep happening in my life. But you're certainly showing me that people can be good and not constant dickheads who are only out for their own gain. I appreciate all that you've helped me through, and I promise to be there for you whenever you might need a little bitchiness on your side. Stay awesome, mang~!

Bunny-
My lil' Uke Bun-Bun~ So sweet and gentle. Unless someone hurts your loved ones and you become fierce and merciless. Like an adorable akita; you love sitting in people's laps until someone you love has been harmed and you go apeshit against the offender. Your heart is bigger than any I've ever known. You love so many people, even when they wrong you time after time. Which is sad, but you can't stop yourself from helping and loving people. Somehow, you love me. For all my bitchiness, short-temper, sharp-tongue, and grumpiness, you still love me. Of course, I never turn any of this against you, unless you've done something stupid. But then even you agree you deserve it. You're such a little domestic, it's adorable~ You appreciate all the BDSM things that I also like. We talk and chat about what our Masters do for/to us. And gush about all the adorable things they do.

Emmett-
Man, oh, man. You've become such a classy dude. I remember back in high school when you'd be just as eccentric as Lindsey at the lunch table. But even then I acted out too. Now you're suave and smooth. A little addicted to attention, but with all that you get I can understand it. You've got such a way with words that makes my own vocabulary and diction quite jealous. I can't even find literature that's half as good as some of the things you write, as infrequent as you do it.

Ryui-
You my friend are one awesome person. The way you think and your musings about current life make me want to listen to you forever. You let me be pathetic when I need to be, but quickly stand me back up, brush off the dirt and debris, and set me back on the right path. I've heard Emmett say that you see me as a big sister, someone to look up to. But I also look up to you. You're one of the few people I listen to when it comes to my health.

Sydney-
Or Sydlicious as my mom calls you! I haven't talked to you in forever, ever since I went off to college. But I miss those long talks in your car. Your insight into relationships and family made me rethink my own position on things. Or made my resolutions all the stronger. You're also my good ol' kinky friend~ The one who appreciates bruises just as much as I do~! We gotta hang out again, girlie.

Chelsea-
My little girl friend's all grown up! I remember when you and Tommy were first going out. Back in Sophomore or Freshman year. And now you're married and living together! My god, you remind me of how quickly time goes by! We went from talking about World History to sex, next will be kids! Jeezum. I have got to visit you up in the midwest sometime soon! Maybe not winter though. I lived in Maine for a year, but even the midwest has too much snow for me. We also have the same taste in reading materials. I have found awesome authors thanks to you~!

Kendra-
Mah Kenji~ I knew you in Middle School. I joined orchestra and 4H because of you. I loved spending time with you. You are just so awesome and compassionate. You were one of the few people who had my same interests. Our little Lithonia Middle group. We don't talk nearly as much now, which we should. You've grown up into such a woman. Beautiful and smart and powerful. You make people want to do what's right. I miss our younger days, but I'd love to know more about you now.

Amari-
We were crazy, chickie! Back in middle school and even high school! When we're together, nothing can stop us! You're like a sister to me! You've lived with me for some odd years or months. There is nothing that can separate us: not distance or people or anything else! Even though we have some differences, we still accept each other in all that we are! It's amazing how well we get along! My mixed-y girl friend~

Ian-
You are one incredibly smart guy. Ridiculously smart. The debates we have leave me wondering why I felt so smart. The ideas you have and the opinions you make for yourself have me wondering why you feel so inadequate. We almost dated back in high school, but I'm glad we stayed friends. We're similar, but too different to be anything past friends. You don't understand my fetishes and I don't get yours. But we hold some of the same ideals for almost everything else. We should also talk more. Not so much about sex 'cause that seems to get you into some sort of trouble which I don't understand. But more about our thoughts and ideas. I'd be very interested to see what you have to say about the happenings throughout the world.

Kentucky-
You're slow sometimes, but you're still such a kind man. So very determined to do what you want. But you get so easily deterred when something doesn't go right. You've got to fight harder for what you want. You have the right path, but you need to go through those painful obstacles to get there. Trust me, you don't wanna be like me. You're too good to be like me. You're too compassionate about marine biology to just give it up. Fight harder and you'll get there.

Colie-
I MISS YOU! You're one of the best roommates I think I could ever have! I can't imagine anyone else who would have accepted me with all my insanities and quirks. Though I think you should love your body more. Not just because I do, but because you have too much going for you to hate it all. Stop looking at each individual part and look at the masterpiece that it all makes as a whole. I'm not the only one who thinks you're beautiful, so perhaps you should start listening to us~

Kimy-
You are a no nonsense kinda gal, just the kind of person I need to kick my ass into gear. Yeah, you've got humor and silliness, but that stops when things should be serious. And your life is one of the most hilarious things I've ever come across. That shouldn't offend you because you know what I mean~ All of those horribly ridiculous and out of place things just flock to you! You should also feel more confidence in your looks. I would kill to be as sexy as you. You have no idea. And I envy your intelligence; you might not believe that, but I do.

Shrui-
My chimera friend! We met online, but I feel like you could be a fantastic friend IRL. When the planets and stars align and we do finally meet, I just know it's going to be awesome! We're so similar in our humor and opinions. I'd count you as a sister as well and a very good best friend.

Krowe-
You're one crazy and humble dude. I'm so glad to see you and Shrui together. Like a couple made in matchmaking heaven~ You're just so perfect together! I love how you can brighten my day with your randomness and intelligence. I'm so jealous of your writing skills, it's insane. You're always there to cheer me up, and I try to do the same for you.

DM-
Though I don't even know your real name, I still think of you and value you as a close friend. As damaged as you seem to think you are, you have such a clear outlook on life. You've opened my eyes to such a variety of subjects: from kinks to politics to self discovery. You are such a bizarre person, but almost everything you say or do makes sense. I love the conversations we have. I'm not being facetious when I say we should meet one day. Aside from your more intimate issues, I aspire to be like you.

Andy-
My love. My best friend. My Mate and Master. I love you and all that you do for me. You have a strange sense of humor sometimes, but I love hearing you laugh. Your dedication to the things you love makes me jealous sometimes, but I also admire how hard you work for the things you want. If only I could grab hold of a tenth of that determination, I'd probably still be in college. You also love me, even with all the things I think are wrong with myself. You're there to push me into doing right. You have no qualms with telling me when I'm wrong, and gracefully accept when I point out your transgressions. You match me so well that I thank whatever inhabits the clouds above for allowing me to catch you and make you mine. You cater to my demands and inner desires to the best of your abilities. You try your best to keep me in line, but it's difficult to do so from a distance, since I'm so misbehaved. But I try my hardest to please you! You remind me all the time of our future together: kids, Zillie, dream jobs. I would not be able to envision a future if you weren't there for me. You are the one that makes me fight for a good life. It's my own self that sets it all back. But you're always there behind me to coax me back into place. You set my heart a'poundin' with your loving words and soft touches. I love you!

~~~~~

Of course there's more people than this in my life. If you aren't listed, doesn't mean I hate you. Just means I don't know you well enough to say much about you. If you aspire to be in my circle of friends, extend an invite to conversation~ And if you think you belong on here, let me know. And I'll let you know whether that's true or not.

Menage a Trois

A request from a friend; the hypothetical poly relationship between myself, her, and Alpha. Of course, this couldn't happen in real life because she's currently taken by her own Papi, but the idea was entertained in my brain years ago. And when I recently confessed this to her, she asked for an explanation of how things would work. This might end up being a story, but it relays my brain movies.

~~~~~

Wolfie was a slave in the deepest parts of her soul, but there were dominant flares on more than one occasion. She may have been small and submissive, but she was fierce in all things she did. Her Alpha didn't like bowing down to the Domme in her, as infrequent as she rose. He himself was all Dominant and Master and couldn't bend to her will, as much as she begged or craved it. Wolfie wasn't a fan of polygamy, she could only give her heart to one person and didn't like sharing herself - body, heart, or soul. However, Alpha liked to entertain the idea of getting another sub, for himself and his little Wolf. So they talked and battled and ranted and raged. They debated and conceded and consulted. Finally, they came to the decision of grabbing Bunny.

Wolfie and Bunny had been friends for years now. Merely friends, but Bunny still called Wolfie her Miss. Wolf saved Bunny from horrible things, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Wolfie hadn't ever really thought about it, but she did indeed rescue the poor battered and bruised Bunny, not from the worst parts of her life, but she tried patching those parts up too. As platonic as it was, they did love each other. So when Wolf went to Bunny, asking her to be her sub in more ways than just platonic, the little rabbit was more than delighted, to say the least.

Bunny had a collar from Miss Wolf, but that was when they were friends. The next collar would be so much more important, a symbol of their coming together. Alpha wanted a part in the design as well, since Bunny was his as well as Wolfie's. Together they designed a purple and light blue leather collar. It had black spikes alternated with purple gems, and a single silver ring in the middle. It was a locking collar; Bunny wouldn't have taken it off unless she asked, of course, but this was to make sure. The collaring ceremony took place at night, after dinner. Dinner which Bunny happily made, since Wolf and Alpha had to work. Alpha left to give the subs clean up duty. He went back into the bedroom to prepare things.

Wolf walked into the living room to do her nightly reading, with Bunny trailing along. Wolfie sat on the couch, her back against the arm of it, and Bunny curled up in between her Miss's legs while watching a movie on Netflix. Wolfie could hear when Alpha came back into the room, so when he touched her shoulder, she didn't jump. He handed her the blindfold and she quietly put her book down. She bent over gently, so as not to disturbed the slave in her lap, and whispered quietly into her ear, "We've got a surprise, hun. Close your eyes for me, and no peeking." Bunny did as she was told. Alpha then instructed the unsighted sub to get off the couch, move into the middle of the floor, and kneel.

Bunny was abuzz with excitement at this point. She didn't know what was coming, but she was excited and nervous nonetheless. Wolf went around dimming and darkening lights across the house. She lit many candles to make the room warm and lit enough for them to see properly. Alpha stood in front of Bunny and Wolf knelt beside him, holding a black wooden box. Master instructed Bunny to remove her own blindfold. She saw both Master and Miss smiling at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. She saw the box and tears came to her eyes. "Don't cry, my little Bun-Bun," Wolf cooed. Master chuckled, but continued on.

"You've been with us for quite a while now, Bunny," he began. "We took you into our home, but you've accepted us as your Tops. You've brought us love and companionship that is hard to find elsewhere. We only hope we've supplied as much joy as you've given us." He had to stop because now she was sobbing. Not in a bad way, but her happiness just flowed from her eyes. Wolf chuckled a bit and comforted the sub, placing a kiss on each cheek, her forehead, and then a final one on her lips. "We've considered you our slave for a while now, but tonight is the night we cement it," Alpha said while Wolf handed him the box. She stood and opened it, revealing the collar they both designed for their third. The grabbed hold of it and knelt again in between them both. Now, she spoke to Bunny, "You are Mine as well as His. Ours." He placed his hands on Wolf's shoulders as she carried on. "You are Our Bunny. Our Bun-Bun. The Little Uke. As I am His, you are Mine. And we belong to Him. We vow to take care of you in all the ways that We can, and promise to instruct you properly in ways to take care of Us." More tears fell from Bunny's eyes, and it was beginning to make Wolf a bit weepy, as her Miss placed the collar around her neck. Alpha went behind Bunny and secured it. Wolf placed her hands on Bunny's shoulders, and their Master placed his hands on top of hers. "The three of us are one. One heart. One love. One family," Miss finished.

Bunny's tasks were mostly household chores: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. When Wolf was home, she helped, but Bunny preferred to do things. She enjoyed the domesticity. In the bedroom, they all took turns pleasing each other, or two on one. Or one on one while the other watched. Wolf was rather hesitant with her sub, as female genitalia frightened the Miss. But Bunny was patient, and Alpha took up where Wolf often left. 

Slave attire usually consisted of underwear, for both subs, even when Wolf was feeling her Domme peek through. Because as Domme as she was over Bunny, they still belong to Alpha. And there they happily remained.

When Wolf rules over Bunny, it's usually more subtle things. Putting her in her cage while Miss cooks instead of her sub. Letting the Uke lay at her feet or in her lap while she reads, plays video games, or watches television. And when discipline is required, she tries not to be too harsh. Usually, Bunny knows when she's done wrong and will quickly try to patch things up. But if it is necessary, Wolf has her sit on her bad pillow in the corner, facing the wall. Sometimes this will send the slave's slave into tears, so make up is swift and sweet.

The Domme always takes pride and pleasure in marking her sub; with bites, scratches, hickeys, bruises, writings, etc. While there is a small part of humiliation and placing the sub in her place, it is also a matter of putting more confidence into Bunny. Miss Wolf will have her put on shows and displays, cooing at how beautiful her sub is, how good she is at what she does, how happy she makes her Domme and Master. She'll instruct Bunny to dance, or sing. Or wear something and strut around. The insertion of confidence. And then there's the parts that aren't so sweet, but still so nice.

A Dominance display. Bunny might be doing something like mopping the floors or folding laundry, and Miss will approach her from behind. Granted, the little Domme is a few inches shorter, but that is quickly rectified with a swift hair tug. She pulls the sub's head back to growl in her ear, "on the floor." Bunny is only happy to comply. Depending on what the sub is wearing, a few well place spanks and scratches will be placed over her body. Wolf pushes her slave forward until her forehead is pressed against the floor. "Pretty pet," she'll coo, adding a sharp slap to her rear. Bunny will shiver, but not out of fear. Anticipation of the Dominance display. She knows her place for sure, but she likes to be reminded just as much as the next proper slave. Once Bunny is bent over, even without a strap-on, Miss will mount her from behind. Thrust her hips into her slave's ass and growl into her ear. A good thick bite into her shoulder and more rumbling and the display is over. The Uke might remain there for a few minutes longer, deep in subspace and her happy place, but the laundry still needs to be done.

When they both play for Alpha, it's either a mutual thing or a competition. Bunny is often more compliant to let her Miss win, but most times Miss will give up to allow her sub the edge. They'll wear pretty things for him, give him massages, do special chores (things that aren't normally asked for), and of course the sexual gifts. Sometimes they'll put on a little show for him, dancing or kissing, all just for him.

And then there was the more mundane. They would all play video games together, or watch movies, or shop. Going to the park or zoo or aquarium. Taking care of the pets. And Bunny would provide for both of them. She caters to Alpha's requirement for neatness and she helps Miss with her medicines and less savory parts of the Domme's life. She encourages all of the good parts and they help her by growing as a person and finding her own way through life.

They would live their lives together, not just kink together. They were a whole, with Alpha at the Top.

~~~~~

I hope this doesn't step on any toes. It was a request for some of my deeper musings. As nice as this all seems, it is unlikely to happen. For several reasons. This is in no way trying to force anyone into anything. Just a scene in my mind I've played over several years ago. /Disclaimer.

Otherwise, enjoy~

No Good

It seems I've been neglecting this. I said I'd try and post once a week, but that obviously hasn't been happening.

So, some updates:

Moving by the end of the month. Gonna be living with my boyfriend by October at the latest. So, that's thrilling and nerve-wracking all at the same time. Gonna be getting a job to help him pay for rent. Hopefully, it's the job I've had my eyes on for a while. Very nice pay~

Wasn't hospitalized, but still some rather depressing news. Seems like the doctors have no hope for me.

Depression is still lurking around, of course. This week and last week have been bad. Horrible dreams last week. Over all lethargy this week. And of course, bad thoughts abound.

Beginning to think this isn't worth it. Doing this blog thing. Sure, there are a select few of you who read and possibly appreciate it. But what good is it doing? I'm not keeping up with it like I should. I only ever feel like writing important stuff down. I'm not so... Superficial that I feel the need to write about a dinner that I had a week ago. Am I asking for too much from this? To suddenly become all philosophical just because people are watching me? Eh.

Again folks, don't hesitate to ask for stuff from me: writings, explanations, stories, etc. And Bun-Bun, I'll be working on the stuff you requested. Maybe that'll get me outta my funk.

Few Major Updates

Went to my therapist (you know, for this depression shit) this past Wednesday.
Since it seems like I'm reverting back into my mopey ways, he suggested I start doing anti-depressants again.
Which requires I find a psychiatrist under our insurance.

But then my mom, in all her motherly glory, instead decided that it's not my depression, but my declining lung health.
I forgot to mention, I think, I have Cystic Fibrosis.
So, she thinks that my symptoms of depression are instead just me getting sick from not doing my meds and breathing properly.
Fine, that explains the exhaustion, difficulty breathing, etc.
But what about the unwillingness to leave my bed merely because I have nothing to look forward to for the day?
Or the constant feeling of wanting to cut myself because of the pressure build up internally?
Or the anxiety?
Or the insomnia?
Or the overall feeling shitty and worthless?
Pretty sure improved lung function won't help that.
But he agrees with her, because he doesn't understand CF.

So, my homework is to schedule an appointment with my CF clinic, which I've been deliberately avoiding for the last six months.
Why?
Because I know they won't be happy with me and admit me for two weeks in the hospital.
What's so bad about that?
Worsened depression because of the smack in my face with how inevitable my death is to this disease.
Worsened anxiety because my mom will constantly remind me that it's my fault I'm in there in the first place, and exactly how many thousands of dollars it is costing her to keep me in there.
Like I asked for this shit.


I'm going to move onto a different topic before I start crying again.

I'm going to be moving near the end of the month.
Away from the Roswell area to the Lithonia area.
Bad news because most of my friends are here.
Good news because I might be living with Master (with my mom, but hey, it's an improvement).
Him and I will be paying rent for living in the finished basement of her house.
But it's more like it's own apartment with its own driveway, kitchen, and even washer/dryer system thingie.
So, it's a good thing and a bad thing, if he moves in with me.
If not.... At least I'm close to him?
I have to find a bright side, otherwise the knife comes out and we have a little bandaid party.
(This isn't a threat to you, Kitty, if you're reading it. It's just a straw that would break the camels back: a little thing on top of a load that's already too heavy.)

And how are you folks today??

Should Be Sleeping

But I'm not. My body says that it's not time for sleeping, so I'll ramble about my kinks instead.

So, as I said in my Getting To Know Me post, I'm into the BDSM stuffies. I have a Master who doubles as my boyfriend, and I am his slave/girlfriend. I'm a masochist as well as a submissive, and no the two are not synonymous. Not all submissives are masochistic and not all masochists are submissive. Some folks just like to be on the bottom and some folks just like receiving pain. So, I might refer to myself as a slave, pet, painslut, bottom, puppy, bitch, etc. Sometimes it'll be self-demeaning (especially the bitch one), but most of the time it will be with pride that I call myself these things. And no, Kitty isn't pulling strings on this puppet to make me say these things. If anything, he would prefer I keep quiet about our personal activities and lifestyle. But I'm not really about silence. I'm proud of what I am and what we do. Tough titty on him and the folks who don't like it.

So, now that you have a bit of my take, want some definitions in your brains? Alrighty then.
BDSM - Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism
Sadomasochism
Submission (And the other tops above)
FetLife - A self-proclaimed "kinky facebook", good for discussions, advice, dating, and friendship

If you don't click the links, fine, but please refrain from e-mails or comments about how this is abuse, I should be ashamed, or how this is dangerous. The difference from BDSM to abuse is that this is all consented between two reasonable adults. We know some of the risk involved, but the point is to take precautions: safe words, plan B's, quick getaways, etc. This ain't know slap and tickle game where we're two kids who are doing bad things because it's bad. We do them because we like it. Deal.

Now that you have a couple good sources, time for me to describe what I like.

So, I consider myself a slave and a masochist. I enjoy full submission, but I also enjoy pain. Master will say I don't enjoy submission, considering how hard headed I am, but I truly do. However, I like to be forced into my place. I want a flog at my rump every time I refuse to do dishes. I want to be reminded of where I am, who I am, and what I am. Quite often. I'm a bit of a hassle, you can say. I also enjoy different types of pain. Some pains my Master is not willing to have me endure because he is afraid of hurting me. I'm hoping to somehow persuade him that it's not as bad as he thinks and that I want it. Some things he is okay with: spanking, biting, scratching, flogging, choking, hair pulling. Some things I want that he is not okay with: bloodletting, branding (yes, the cowpoke kind), knifeplay, leaving a permanent/semi-permanent mark on me. He also doesn't want to micromanage my life because he feels like it's too controlling. How do you suppose I try and explain to him that that is exactly what I want? I need someone to give me a firm schedule and be there to correct me when I get it wrong. I want him to tell me when to go to bed and if I'm not in bed, I want him to whip my ass until it's in bed. I've told him these things before; divulged these internal secrets to him. So how do I go about convincing him that this is really what I need?

One of my primary fantasies is to be his complete slave. Sure, I call myself one now, but I don't feel very slave-y. I run my own life, for the most part. He tells me to do some things, but he doesn't often enforce. My ideal situation would be to have a cage (like a large dog kennel, or vertical-barred cage, with a fur-lined floor). A few of them scattered throughout the house: one beneath his desk, one at the foot of the bed, one in the living room, and various other places. So that I have a place to be close by, so that when he needs me, I'm right there. The cage in the bedroom is either for playtime or punishment. Depends on what he sends me in there for. I wouldn't often wear clothes in the house. Either naked or with some of Master's favorite undies. I have a strict schedule and if something happens where I don't get things done, I'm properly dealt with, either with punishment or reservation of rewards until the tasks are done. I have various brands or bloody scratches or tattoos that show the world that I am his and only his. As well as bruises from various play times and fantasies we've lived out.

Of course, unfortunately this is all just dreams and wishes and hopes all balled up and coated with pixie dust.

Any questions? Don't be afraid to ask~

Cut It Out

Alright, so there is no catalyst for this particular rant. No one said anything. It has nothing to do with the media or recent blahblah. Just my feels.

So, yes, equal rights for marriage should be a thing. Everyone should be able to get married to whomever they choose. It's not up to the government to say otherwise. Whether the bible or the Qur'an or the book of Dr. Seuss says gays are sinful, it is not up to the government to agree with that and use that as their back up. Separation of church and state, right? (If I'm misquoting, please let me know.) I mean, witches can get married and we used to be burned in the town square. So yes, equal marriage rights for all. Equal rights in general for all. Blahblah, hurray hurrah.

Now, my issue is with extremists on both ends of the spectrum: gay, straight, bi, asexual, and whatthefuckever. DO NOT tell others to change themselves just because you like it. And yeah, I'm pretty much telling people off for being who they are. But they are hating on others who aren't like them. Straights hating on gays. Gays hating on straights. Gays hating on asexuals or the sexless. Everyone hating on everyone else. Really. And yes, this does happen. Quite often actually. Gays angry at straights, and even straights angry at straights. Girls will bash a straight guy because he won't blow another dude. Calling him close-minded and such. Seriously? FUCKING SERIOUSLY!? No one is allowed to have preferences anymore? No one can have what they want without being criticized for it?

Tell me if this sounds familiar:
Straight Guy: "Ew. You like dick? But dude, you should like pussy. I mean, pussy is great. Every dude likes pussy."
Gay Guy: "No, sorry, I like other guys."
SG: "KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Pretty exaggerated, but common, right?

Now how about this?
Straight Girl: "Ew. You like vagina? But dude, you should like dick. I mean, dick is great. Every dude likes dick."
Straight Guy: "No, sorry, I like girls."
SGirl: "KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Seems a bit more likely, right? Not so common, but no one bats an eyelash. They just go, "Oh, well, he should be more open-minded." And if it was turned on a girl by straight guys? "Well, that's just sexual harassment and sexism. Not all girls are lesbians or bisexual. Guys just like seeing that stuff 'cause they're gross." NO! You want tolerance for all? Then tolerate all! Tolerate the straights as well as the gays, bisexuals, asexuals, genderless, etc. Don't just fucking pick and choose. You can't call out for deletion of double standards and then have one of your own. Fuckin' hypocrite.

So, what's today's lesson,  children? "Don't be a twat!" Yaaaaaay.

Shit's Gettin' Heavy

Alright, so as you know, I've been depressed. Clinically diagnosed with severe depression. Tried out meds. Tried out therapies. Tried some self-motivation shit. And you know what? I still feel fucked up. I find that no matter what I try to fix myself with, something else comes up. I feel useless, so I get rats (which I've wanted for a long time, but I did something about it to help myself). Now, I feel like people are ignoring me. Or they don't like me. Or some other whiny baby bullshit.

I frequent Gaia Online; I've got lots of online friends and RL friends. And they talk to me, sometimes. But lately? I feel rather butthurt. I spark up a conversation, and either it never picks up or fizzles out after two words. I don't think my bad mood is oozing out. I mean, how can you even tell past "hi, how is everyone" that I'm mopey? It's online. There's no body language. There's no shifty eye shit or scuffling of feet. Granted, if it were real life, that would all be present. But that's why I'm confining myself to online. And yeah, I probably do need to get out and be with real folks. But tell me, how do I do that? No car. No money for the bus. Introverted (socializing IRL takes a lot outta me). And folks have lives now. I could do sleep overs (sexy pillow fights possibly included), but everyone's got shit to do. I'm the only one dragging my feet and crying about it.

I've looked for a job. I've tried video games. I've tried movies and television series. I've tried reading books. I've tried it all. Jobs never call back. I've beaten all my video games (or the MC server isn't up). I've watched all the movies and series I like. I've read all my books. So, what now? Do I suck it up and deal? Tough titty to Wolf? Probably. But that's what this blog thingie here is for. For me to complain and you guys to read.

On the bright side, boyfriend and I (he'll be referred to as Kitty, Master, or Alpha) went to Starship. It's an adult store. Got some goodies~ That made me a happy woofie.

Gettin' to Know Me

So, I wanted to just jump right into this with how I've been feeling lately, but seeing as how this is public, there might be some of you who read this and go "who da fuq be dis bitch?" Well, I'll fill you in a bit.

Ya'll can call me Wolf. Yes, I said ya'll. I'm from Georgia, here in the States. I don't have a southern accent, but I love how certain southern words just roll from the tongue, so I use them. Don't like it? Tough titty. (I'll say this a lot~) Born in the year o' 1992, in January. No need for the exact day, you'll find out or it won't matter. I'm biracial (white and black). Mom's half irish-half polish and my dad is black with some native american mixed in somewhere. So, you'll most likely hear a bit of what you might consider racism. Yeah, I make generalizations, but often times they are well desired. And I'm well aware there are outstanding individuals in awesomeness and stupidity. (Don't like it? Tough titty.) Mom's a successful business woman. Dad's a stripper. Yep, interesting mix, eh?

I've gone to college, dropped out due to severe depression, hope to return, yaddayadda. I studied zookeeping. The actual name of the major is Captive Wildlife Care & Education. Really wish I didn't leave, but I was doing shitty, so I had to change somethin'. Left some awesome people behind (you folks know who you are), but I still keep in touch.

I have a boyfriend who was born in March o' 1986. Yep, he's older. Don't like it? (You should know the rest by now.) We've been together since February of 2008 and we're still going strong. So please, keep your "he's too old for you!" "what does your mother have to say about it?!" "ewww he's a pedo" to yourself. My mother knows. My father knows. His parents know. We've met (and fucked) plenty of times. He lives about thirty minutes away (after moving to Atlanta from Chicago for me) and we see each other often. Sounds pretty healthy, right? So shut the fuck up.

We're also into the BDSM scene. So he's my boyfriend, lover, future-husband, and Master. Yep, I'm a pet/slave/bitch/slut/whatever other term you know of. And no, he didn't force me into it. I was into it before he came along, trust me. So, I'll most definitely be talking about kinky shit too. Tough titty.

Hmmm, what else. I wanna work with wolves and cheetahs when I finally get the chance. I've volunteered at a wolf refuge in New Hampshire. I'm a Furry (not an animal-fucker, thank you very much; human cock is so much more appetizing). I've got one full brother and several half-siblings thanks to my slutty father. I'm very brash and honest. So, if you ask me something, chances are I'm going to be truthful and a little hurtful to some softies. Don't like it, don't read it. I'm rather in your face (if you haven't noticed). And that will often be seen in my opinions that I post.


So, what's the point of my words and thoughts and blurgh being here? Well, I need a place to vent. A public place (because I like attention, fuck you) where people can choose to read and comment or choose to ignore it. I also want to talk to new faces and meet new folks. What better way than putting myself out there all publicly and getting some responses? Well, maybe going to the mall, but there's creepers there. Ick. So, I'll be bitching, moaning, griping, crying, celebrating, rejoicing, raging, and yelling in your faces here. So, prepare yourself. And join me~